The Best Bond Video Game

No. Not Goldeneye. Goldeneye is too easy of an answer. Saying that Goldeneye is the best James Bond video game ever produced is like saying The Beatles are the best band ever. The answer might be true, but it’s such a lazy effort.

Goldeneye is a terrific first-person shooter game, but for me a Bond video game has to separate from the movie franchise. What about the From Russia With Love video game that gave us the return of the original (and by this time, very old-sounding) 007…Sean Connery? Love it, but it’s just a remake.

Then what about original ones such as Agent Under Fire? Nightfire? Bloodstone? 007 Legends? Not bad, but the best James Bond video game ever is Everything or Nothing!

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  • The title is so Bondian that the EON production company actually stands for this.
  • Not only does it have Pierce Brosnan voicing Bond, but also Judi Dench as M and John Cleese as Q! Who wouldn’t want Willem Dafoe as Bond villain, or Heidi Klum and Shannon Elizabeth as Bond girls? Keep in mind this is 2004. Did I mention the return of Jaws?
  • Locations? Tajikistan, Egypt, Peru, New Orleans, Moscow.
  • Plenty of gadgets and fast cars.
  • Even has a classic Bond title theme/intro after a signature pre-titles action sequence.  It’s sung by Mya and she even has a small role in the game. Again, keep in mind this is 2004.

 

I highly recommend watching this and pretending it’s Brosnan’s never-completed 5th movie. Even Pierce’s eye roll-worthy puns are on point! Am I saying Everything or Nothing would have been a great end to Brosnan’s Bond career? Not really. It would have been on par with Tomorrow Never Dies, The World Is Not Enough, and maybe slightly better than Die Another Day. All I know is between Nov 2002 and Nov 2006, we didn’t have a Bond movie to watch. So this is as good as it got. Give me everything or nothing at all!

Movie Review: THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS

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In a span of four years, the Bond franchise went from spy parodies Octopussy and A View To A Kill, to a taut spy thriller. 1987’s The Living Daylights is just that. At that time, it provided perhaps the best espionage tale since 1963’s From Russia With Love. 30+ years later, the Cold War plot of TLD seems dated, but the style ushered in by Timothy Dalton as 007 has now been the foundation for the Daniel Craig era.

Dalton’s Bond-style was promoted heavily on his dangerous side. This wasn’t the 12 year run of Roger Moore, nor was it the original choice to play 007 in TLD (Pierce Brosnan).

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Bond’s coolest moment? The entire cat and mouse, sniper vs wannabe-sniper situation in Czechoslovakia. Dalton’s at his most “Fleming’s Bond” during those first scenes after the credits. 

Bond’s most embarrassing moment? It has to be sliding down snowy woods, using a cello case. Not too embarrassing for Moore or Brosnan, but for super-serious Dalton, it’s downright humiliating.

Bond’s best line? “We have an old saying too, Georgi. And you’re full of it.” 

Best acting performance? As stated before, I think it has to be Dalton’s turn as James Bond. He’s going all in on what Ian Fleming intended the character to be. Sometimes it doesn’t work for this film, but kudos to his true commitment.

Bond’s #MeToo #TimesUp moment? Stripping off the clothes of General Pushkin’s girlfriend, and using her naked body as a distraction.

Worst line in the movie? Moneypenny: “Anytime you want to drop by and listen to my Barry Manilow collection…”

What I noticed for the first time after watching this for the 86th time? The parrot in this movie looks and sounds exactly like Max the parrot in For Your Eyes Only! Did the British government hire Max after the events of FYEO?!

Best action sequence? The pre-title sequence is fantastic and as realistic as a Bond movie can be. Skydiving, to rock climbing, to hanging from a jeep. Some thrilling stuff.  

Who or what is the title song about? The title song is all about Bond’s hard edge. I mean, living is in the way he dies folks!

Best looking cinematic moment? When James and Kara are riding through Afghanistan with the Mujahideen. 

How could the villain have succeeded? Koskov is too arrogant for his own good. He also has too many nefarious things going on all at once. 

Which other Bond actor could have starred in this movie? Since the original choice was Pierce Brosnan, this is an easy answer. While this movie seems tailored more towards Timothy Dalton, the script was originally written for Brosnan or a Roger Moore-ish actor. 

Does Bond ever think he might die? When he’s fighting with Necros (a very underrated henchman) in the back of the cargo plane, and especially hanging outside of it. 

What would have made the movie better? Dumb down the plot just a skosh, give James a girl who isn’t boring, and cut out any silly scenes for Dalton’s Bond. 

What’s in a name? When Bond is knocked unconscious, Koskov and Necros smuggle him onto a plane using the alias Jerzy Bondov.

What’s in a title? “The Living Daylights” comes from the title of a short story by Ian Fleming. 

Drinking game: Take a shot of vodka for each time Kamran Shah’s men inexplicably laugh at James Bond when he is trying to explain his dire situation.

“WTF?!” moment: Brad Whitaker’s whole fetish for military strongmen and dictators. In an odd way, he’d make for a good American villain now. 

Fun fact: Timothy Dalton had absolutely no time for pre-production, as he was still filming the movie Brenda Starr. 

Overall ranking: 9th out of 24. 

Review synopsis: I believe The Living Daylights becomes more of a fan favorite as time passes. And this coming from someone who isn’t a huge fan of the brief Dalton era. Bond filmmakers promised a harder edge and we got it. What Dalton lacks in humor, he makes up for with his serious commitment to the role. As far as intelligent spy plots go, The Living Daylights is close to a top tier 007 flick.

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Favorite Non-Fleming Bond Novels

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65 years ago Ian Fleming created a literary character that became a motion picture icon. When Fleming died in 1964, it didn’t mean James Bond died. Since Fleming’s passing, there have been several authors who have stepped up to tackle the world of 007. I haven’t read all 25+ non-Fleming novels, but I have read most of them and here are some of my personal favorites. I’m also taking into account which ones I think should have their plots turned into big-screen Bond adventures.

 

ICEBREAKER

If you’re a sucker for a James Bond story set in the snow like I am, then I highly recommend reading this one. Written by John Gardner in 1983, Icebreaker has Bond teaming up with an alliance of agents from the CIA, the KGB and Mossad. The Scandinavia backdrop sees Bond dealing with frenemies and a Neo-Nazi villain who fancies himself the next Hitler. It also has two Bond girls, one good and one bad, but you might not know which is which. Could this work as a film? Great title, and the current new rise of “nationalism” could strike a cord.

 

ROLE OF HONOR

What if James Bond became an agent of SPECTRE? In Role of Honor (John Gardner: 1984), Bond inherits some money from a dead relative and it gives MI6 a clever idea. They publicly accuse Bond of financial improprieties and he resigns. Bond, now a disgruntled ex-employee of her Majesty’s Secret Service, offers his services to SPECTRE (now run by Tamil Rahani). This is a great tale of how far will Bond go to keep his cover. Of course, they learn that Bond’s resignation is false and he foils the villainous plot of the rebooted SPECTRE. The title does have a nice Bond-movie ring to it. The idea of a new leader of the infamous crime organization is neat, and the climax takes place in an airship over Switzerland.

 

NOBODY LIVES FOREVER

This is direct sequel to Role of Honor has Rahani putting a price on 007’s head. Literally! He hires assassins from all over the world to give him James’ head. Nobody Lives Forever, written again by Gardner in 1986, also has Moneypenny getting kidnapped and Bond putting an end to Rahani and whatever is left of SPECTRE once and for all. The title sounds like a Pierce Brosnan – Bond flick. I’d totally be into a movie where Bond is taking on assassins who out to decapitate him.

 

DEVIL MAY CARE

If this isn’t the best non-Fleming title then I don’t know what is! Devil May Care was written by Sebastian Faulks in 2008, but the novel is set in 1967. Bond investigates Julius Gorner, a businessman who produces heroin. His ultimate goal is to get the Soviets and the Brits into WWIII. The plot sounds like it’s been done before a number of times, but the title is still great; oh and did I mention Gorner suffers from main de singe AKA monkey’s paw! Keep the title, keep the monkey lefthand, update the plot and I’d definitely watch that.

 

SOLO 

Written by William Boyd in 2013, Solo takes place in 1969 and has Bond caught in the middle of an African civil war. Bond gets double-crossed, and is shot and left for dead by a group of mercenaries. After that it becomes a classic Bond-goes-rogue type of mission that takes him to the States and dealing with the CIA. It’s crackerjack of a story, that could easily be updated. It also has a villain with a terrific name (Kobus Breed), who has a disfigured face and a permanently weeping eye. Sorry, no weeping blood this time.

 

 

Movie Review: LIVE AND LET DIE

It’s only fitting that I review Live And Let Die on Halloween, since LALD is about as close as you can get to a horror Bond movie.

This 1973 flick not only had voodoo, but it is also directly tied to the blaxploitation era. Roger Moore’s first turn as 007 has him traveling to places that make him stick out like a sore thumb, as well as battle quasi-supernatural elements. It truly is James Bond like you’ve never seen him before.

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Bond’s coolest moment? Roger Moore handles the “fish out of water” Bond style very well when he travels to Harlem. His intro to Solitaire is so smooth.

Bond’s most embarrassing moment? Using a deck of cards to get the upper hand in a fight with Tee Hee inside the train. I have no clue what he was thinking. 

Bond’s best line? After dispatching of Tee Hee and his mechanical hook arm, Solitaire asks him what he’s doing: “Just being disarming darling.”

Best acting performance? Yaphet Kotto as Kananga/Mr. Big is not only a menacing villain, but he has the style, intelligence and arrogance to match Bond. 

Bond’s #MeToo #TimesUp moment? Bond tricking Solitaire into losing her virginity. I mean it was a fun prank with the tarot cards, but he did kind of ruin her life too. Also, Jane Seymour has a face that could start the Trojan War!

Worst line in the movie? Bond introducing Rosie to Quarrel: “Meet the man who shares my hairbrush.

What I noticed for the first time after watching this for the 99th time? Rosie Carver screams exactly like Ned Flanders.

Best action sequence? I guess it has to be the boat chase, but to be honest it goes on way too long. Also has too much Pepper. Sheriff J.W. that is. 

Who or what is the title song about? Paul McCartney’s rock classic is definitely an outlier in the world of Bond theme songs. I think the song is about Bond’s weary work-life.

Best looking cinematic moment? Just the look of Bond landing in NYC and then going around the city is a joy to witness. 

How could the villain have succeeded? Kananga had a great plan about dominating the heroin market, but he failed like so many other Bond villains. He had a chance to do away with Bond a bunch of times, but instead goes for obscure ways to murder him. Croc farm? Shark pool?

Which other Bond actor could have starred in this movie? I think Sean Connery, fresh off the campy Diamonds Are Forever set, could have done quite well in LALD. However, I can’t see him handle the Harlem scenes better than Moore did.

Does Bond ever think he might die? He’s really frightened being alone on that tiny island surrounded by crocs and gators. Can’t blame him. This scene still holds up as one of the most dangerous stunts in Bond movie history.

What would have made the movie better? Having a pre-title sequence with James Bond in it.

What’s in a name? Bond never changes his name, although he does pretend to be a flight instructor. Poor Mrs. Bell. 

What’s in a title? Live And Let Die comes from the novel written by Ian Fleming. It’s one of the few Bond movie titles that has no connection to the plot; nor is it uttered in the film. 

Drinking game: Drink a glass of bourbon (no ice) each time Geoffrey Holder’s Baron Samedi laughs.

“WTF?!” moment: Kananga exploding! 

Fun fact: Before hiring Roger Moore, producer Cubby Broccoli flirted with the idea of making Bond more American. He had Burt Reynolds in mind.

Overall ranking: 12th out of 24

Review synopsis: Live And Let Die is one of the most daring starts to a Bond actor’s career. While it took a couple of movies before Roger Moore was a natural as 007, he handles the action and humor like a seasoned Bond. It’s far from a classic, top tier flick in the franchise, but LALD provides Bond fans with a lot of style and the unexpected.

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The Seven Most Disturbing Scenes in Bond Movie History

With Halloween a day away, it got me thinking about some horrifically, disturbing scenes in the Bond movie franchise. I’ve come up with my most bizarre seven.

Runners-up:

Jaws goes Pennywise (Moonraker)

Clowns are always scary, so imagine Richard Kiel as Jaws dressed as a clown puppet, in a dark alley, during a freaky night of carnival in Rio.

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Jaws meets Jaws (The Spy Who Loved Me)

Now that I think about it, Jaws could have his own list. The character is clearly named after the famous movie shark, so it shouldn’t be surprising when he fights a shark at the end of the movie. But for me, watching “man bites shark” still kind of freaks me out.

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Now on with my personal Bond creepy countdown…

 

7. Jaws is hiding in a closet (The Spy Who Loved Me)

Like I said, we are gonna need a bigger list thanks to Jaws. Here he is hiding inside Agent XXX’s train closet. He’s been perfectly still and quiet that whole time. Yikes! True story, actress Barbara Bach’s frightened reaction wasn’t acting.

 

6. Saunders gets sliced in half (The Living Daylights) 

Saunders is one of those effeminate characters that Bond bullies around. However, when Bond witnesses him getting sliced in half by a sliding door controlled by Necros, you can see Bond’s emotional reaction. Keep in mind, this is at an amusement park. There are kids there with balloons and everything!

 

5. May Day goes to the car wash (A View To A Kill) 

There is something both sad and horrifying the way May Day sneaks up behind Tibbett, and chokes him out. The music is menacing. The last thing you would ever think about, while going through the car wash, is Grace Jones popping up from the backseat and killing you.

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4. Anytime Voodoo Snake Man is doing his thing (Live And Let Die)

Nothing else really needs to be said here.

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3. Corinne gets torn apart by Drax’s hounds from hell (Moonraker) 

Let me remind you that Moonraker is one of the most light-hearted Bond movies ever! But this scene is straight out of those creepy, horror movies of the 70s like The Exorcist or The Omen or Halloween. The music! The woods! Horrible way to die.

 

2. Bond wants Ruby; finds Irma Bunt instead (On Her Majesty’s Secret Service) 

This may not be the second scariest moment in Bond history for many, but it has always creeped me out. Bond is looking for another fling with Ruby, but Irma Bunt is waiting for him in bed. And then you have Bond having some freaky Christmas hallucination after getting bonked on the head.

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  1. Milton Krest blows his top (Licence To Kill) 

Milton Krest is one of those scumbag secondary villains that deserves the death he gets. However, this one is rough as it is the goriest death in Bond franchise history. Franz Sanchez kicks Krest inside a decompression chamber and turns the pressure valve to the highest level. Then ruptures the vent with an axe. The rapid decompression causes Krest’s head to expand and then explode like a tomato in a microwave.

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Movie Review: LICENCE TO KILL

James Bond filmmakers have a history of reacting to current trends. For example, at the end credits of 1977’s The Spy Who Loved Me, it reads: JAMES BOND WILL RETURN in FOR YOUR EYES ONLY. This of course never came to be. Why? Because in the summer of ’77, Star Wars became a sensation. Bond producer Cubby Broccoli decided to make the followup to TSWLM be Moonraker, because movies in outer space were all the rage.

So it wasn’t a surprise that 1989’s Licence To Kill dealt with one of the major current events at that time… the drug war. Put 007 up against a villain who is a mixture of Pablo Escobar and Manuel Noriega, set the plot to fit the gritty times, and you have Timothy Dalton’s 2nd and final turn as James Bond.

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Bond’s coolest moment? Being Sanchez’s houseguest and “innocently” convincing him that his underlings are trying to rob and undermine him.

Bond’s most embarrassing moment? Getting into a Hal Needham-style dive bar fight.

Bond’s best line? Sanchez: Problem solver? Bond: More of a problem eliminator. Followed by some diabolical laughter. 

Best acting performance? Robert Davi as Franz Sanchez takes a villain we’ve seen before in countless drug cartel films, and gives him some style and grace. Almost like a scumbag version of Bond. 

Bond’s #MeToo #TimesUp moment? Dalton’s Bond is pretty much a gentleman here. I guess him checking out Pam (Carey Lowell) getting out of her harbor master outfit would be the best example. To be honest, I’d be guilty of that too!

Worst line in the movie? If a “worst line” can also be the most entertaining line, it’s definitely how Benicio del Toro as Dario says “We gave her a nice honeymoooooooon.”

What I noticed for the first time after watching this for the 59th time? In the opening credits, it doesn’t state the name of the title song or its artist (Gladys Knight). I guess I always took this for granted.

Best action sequence? Quite a few to choose from, but I will go with the underwater action scene with Bond fighting Krest’s men, and then ends up water-skiing on the back of a plane. 

Who or what is the title song about? My hunch is that it’s from Bond’s perspective. He’s trying to impress a pretty lady by talking about his “licence to kill.”

Best looking cinematic moment? The pre-title sequence is a stunner, with Bond lowering down from a helicopter to hook Sanchez’s plane. You know it’s good when Christopher Nolan paid homage to it in the beginning of The Dark Knight Rises. 

How could the villain have succeeded? By not being an abusive boyfriend. Sanchez could have laid low and let Lupe go away. Instead, he becomes obsessive and gets back on the DEA’s radar.

Which other Bond actor could have starred in this movie? In many ways, Dalton’s failure as Bond was a test-drive for our current 007. So I think a modern Daniel Craig – Bond flick could work in LTK. 

Does Bond ever think he might die? James looks downright petrified on that cocaine conveyor belt. Rightfully so. Horrible way to die. Right Dario?

What would have made the movie better? Keeping the same hard edge throughout the film. Lose the campy bar fight, cut out the truck wheelies and other road hi-jinx, don’t cast Wayne Newton as the televangelist, and please don’t show the winking fish statue at the end.

What’s in a name? James Bond doesn’t go by any other names, but he does pretend to be looking for a great white shark for his employers at Universal Exports. 

What’s in a title? Licence to Kill comes from, of course, what Bond has. Interestingly enough, while this screenplay is original, some elements from Ian Fleming’s “Live And Let Die” and “The Hildebrand Rarity” are in LTK.

Drinking game: Drink a Budweiser with lime, each time Professor Joe Butcher says: “Bless your heart.” 

“WTF?!” moment: The easy answer here is the exploding head of Milton Krest, but instead I’m going to go with all the times Felix Leiter’s new bride Della kisses and flirts with best man James. Talk about Three’s Company! 

Fun fact: President Hector Lopez is played by Pedro Armendáriz Jr. His father played Kerim Bey in From Russia With Love

Overall ranking: 21st out of 24.

Review synopsis: Kudos to Timothy Dalton for giving audiences perhaps the first true portrayal of what Fleming intended the character to be. Unfortunately, it’s wasted in a Miami Vice/TV movie of the week masquerading as a Bond film. Make no mistake, this is still a very entertaining flick with some solid, intense action sequences. But in my opinion, 007 is at his best when dealing with international espionage and not going rogue to take down a drug kingpin.

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How Many Women Has James Bond Had Sex With?

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There’s no doubt that in the real world, at the very least, James Bond would be dealing with some painful, burning urination. To say James sleeps around is a major understatement. Here is a list of every woman James Bond has had sexual intercourse with in film. Keep in mind some of these are implied sexual conquests, and never forget that James never uses condoms!

 

DR. NO

Sylvia Trench – Bond has a quickie with her in his apartment before jetting off to Jamaica.  They barely know each other. They know they have gambling and golf in common.

Miss Taro – She becomes Bond’s first ever “hate bang”, as he already knows she’s bad but figures having sex with her wouldn’t be an awful way to kill time. He also uses the “look, no hands” trick.

Honey Ryder – Bond has sex with her in a disgusting small boat, even though Felix Leiter is trying to get them ashore.

How did his relationship with Honey end? I think after having sex in the boat, as soon as they are on dry land, James immediately “ghosts” her. She goes back to being an island girl with an IQ of a child. Not cool James.

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FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE

Sylvia Trench (again) – She might be the closest thing to a steady girlfriend that Bond has ever had. Or at the very least, his regular “booty call”. This time they hook up in public, while picnicking.

Two Gyspy Girls – It’s heavily implied that James had a threesome with them at the gypsy camp. In his defense, he was sort of forced to. Okay, maybe he wasn’t.

Tatiana Romanova – James gets involved in an old-fashioned “honeypot” scenario. Or what modern Russians would call “kompromat”. He has sex with Tanya in his hotel room in Istanbul, while being videotaped.

How did his relationship with Tanya end? I’m willing to believe that these two really tried to be boyfriend-girlfriend for a couple of months in London. Once James probably got bored with the relationship, I bet Tatiana ended up married to a British politician.

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GOLDFINGER

Jill Masterson – Before getting killed by being covered head to toe in gold paint, Jill and James have one of the quickest hookups in cinema history. Bond is “entirely satisfied” by her in his Miami Beach hotel room. I can tell you that the Beatles did not play during their love making.

Pussy Galore – Bond’s first “complicated” relationship. James borderline sexually assaults Pussy (did I mention she’s a lesbian?) in Goldfinger’s barn. She, of course, loves it and is willing to give this heterosexuality thing a shot.

How did his relationship with Pussy end? I think she couldn’t go on living a lie and after a couple of weeks Pussy was back to the ladies. I hope she settled down with one of her flight students and they are both living in Louisville.

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THUNDERBALL

Patricia – Bond blackmails his nurse into having sex with him inside a health clinic steam room. That’s about as romantic as it gets with these two.

Fiona Volpe – Bond has sex with this redheaded villainess in a hotel room in the Bahamas. She’s possibly wilder than him in the sack.

Domino Vitali – She and James have sex in the Caribbean ocean. As they emerge from the water, Bond says: ‘I hope we didn’t frighten the fish.’ Ewwww. One of them definitely got a nasty rash.

How did his relationship with Domino end? I think it ended way before ever getting serious. Domino was kind of in love with her dead brother, so I bet James never lived up to Francois.

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YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE

Ling – Okay this one is debatable. We see them lying in a Murphy bed in Hong Kong in the beginning of the film. It looks all postcoital, but then later in the movie Bond tells Moneypenny what happened with Ling: ‘Oh, another five minutes and I would have found out.’ Mmhmm. I’m counting Ling and guessing James didn’t want to tell Moneypenny about the sex.

Helga Brandt – Sex with another redheaded baddie. Helga thinks she’s having an evening of passion with some guy named Fisher.

Aki – James and Aki have sex during his massage. After she is killed, Bond comes close to having sex with his pretend-wife Kissy Suzuki, but they get interrupted on a life raft.

How did his relationship with Kissy end? I think James and Kissy finally had sex on the naval ship and he gets her pregnant. He bails on her before ever finding out she got knocked up. A rare slip up for James.

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ON HER MAJESTY’S SECRET SERVICE

Tracy – The first time Bond and his future wife have sex is on his hotel balcony in Portugal. She owes him money and decides to pay him off by having a one night stand. Love is in the air.

Ruby – Bond, disguised as Sir Hillary Bray, hooks up with Ruby at a clinic for women with odd allergies. At this time, Bond is engaged to Tracy. But hey, duty calls.

Nancy – As soon as James/Hillary does the “walk of shame” from Ruby’s room, he has sex with Nancy, another clinic girl. She was waiting for him in his room. That’s two for James in one night. Props to his stamina.

How did his relationship with Tracy end? We see her get shot in the head after the wedding.

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DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER

Tiffany Case – Since James never gets around to having fun with Plenty O’Toole, the only woman he sleeps with is Tiffany. They have sex in Bond’s Vegas hotel suite. Keep in mind, James is still feeling down over wife’s murder. I guess. Okay. Not really.

How did his relationship with Tiffany end? Tiffany seemed very clingy. I doubt a brand new widower like James would want to get serious with her.

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LIVE AND LET DIE

Miss Caruso – She is an Italian agent who stays with James at his apartment after a mission together. She sleeps over his place, so James is really growing up.

Rosie Carver – A double crossing agent, whom Bond decides to have some picnic sex with in San Monique.

Solitaire – Definitely not James’ finest moment. She’s a virgin with a gift for fortune telling. He uses a stacked deck of ‘Lover’ tarot cards to trick her into the bedroom.

How did his relationship with Solitaire end? I’m guessing during the long train ride at the end, James knew that he couldn’t seriously date a young woman he just deflowered. Must have been an extremely awkward breakup. “Hey Solitaire, I’m sorry I ruined your fortune telling career because I had to get some.”

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THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN GUN 

Andrea Anders – James sleeps with Scaramanga’s main squeeze in his Bangkok hotel room, while his #1 girl Mary waits it out in the closet. Just think about it. James Bond and Francesco Scaramanga are “eskimo brothers”.

Mary Goodnight – Finally! After waiting throughout the whole movie, a very desperate Mary has sex with James on Scaramanga’s ship. Not sure I could have sex while knowing Nick Nack is stuck up in the crow’s nest!

How did his relationship with Mary end? Since she worked for MI6, I’m sure James gave her some BS about how work relationships don’t work. I also believe Mary kept telling her friends she was James Bond’s girlfriend for almost a year.

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THE SPY WHO LOVED ME

Russian blonde – Bond is shacked up with a beautiful blonde Russian in a snowy cabin in Austria.

Arab harem girl – While hanging out with an old friend in a fancy tent in Egypt, instead of making his way to Cairo immediately, James takes his friend’s offer to stay the night once he sees a stunning beauty. As James says… ‘When one is in Egypt, one should delve deeply into its treasures.” So true!

Anya Amasova – Bond and Agent XXX have sex in train, as she nurses Bond’s wounds from his fight with Jaws. Interesting foreplay.

How did his relationship with Anya end? This is another relationship that I believe James could make work for awhile. She’s supposed to be the Russian female version of him, but because of their busy schedules with missions, it ended after a few months.

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MOONRAKER

Corinne Dufour – Bond sexes up this sweet, innocent helicopter pilot. He has sex with her just so he can get more info on her boss Drax. And like so many of his ladies, she dies.

Manuela – This has to be one of Bond’s quickest hookups. All he has to ask her is “How do you kill five hours in Rio if you don’t Samba?” I guess blame it on Rio?!

Holly Goodhead – With a name like that, she must… anyway. Holly and James make love in her Venice hotel room. Oh and they do it later in outer space!

How did his relationship with Holly end? They got into a huge fight while in space, trying to get back to Earth. Something about James not taking directions well.

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FOR YOUR EYES ONLY 

Countess Lisl – They meet at a casino and immediately end up having sex at her villa. Did I mention she dies?

Melina Havelock – It doesn’t happen until the very end when James and Melina consummate their relationship underwater during a moonlight swim. The fish were frightened again, I’m sure.

How did his relationship with Melina end? They both understood that they were forcing this and that the 25+ year age gap was too much. Ironically, James waited a couple of years for the figure skater Bibi Dahl to turn 18 and let’s just say they helped each other build up some muscle tone.

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OCTOPUSSY

Magda – After a few brief flirty scenes, she and James hook up in his New Delhi hotel room. They “make a few memories” and she then steals his Faberge egg. But not before she shows Bond her “little octopussy”… tattoo.

Octopussy – The title character and Bond have a steamy soap opera style love session in the tacky bedroom of her monsoon palace.

How did his relationship with Octopussy end? They dated for two years because as James told her: they are two of a kind. I just hope he finally learned her real full name. I can’t imagine James going out with a girl and having to introduce her to people as “my girlfriend Octopussy.”

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A VIEW TO A KILL

Kimberly Jones – Bond is officially in “dirty old man” territory, as he takes advantage of a young girl assisting him. They screw for five days from Siberia to Alaska on a motorized iceberg. Five days of sex, champagne, caviar and severe moments of awkwardness.

May Day – Bond has sex… excuse me… May Day has sex with Bond, in what I’m going to guess is in James’ top 5 kinkiest escapades of his life.

Pola Ivanova – The poor woman’s Anya Amasova. She and James do it in a San Francisco bathhouse, as the “bubbles tickler her…Tchaikovsky.”

Stacey Sutton – Some rare shower sex for James at the end of the movie with beautiful, yet dimwitted Stacey. Q’s robot dog, or whatever the hell it was, gets some peeping in.

How did his relationship with Stacey end? After shower sex, James tucked her into bed and made her a quiche. He then left her a sweet note explaining how things would never work out, especially after learning that her mom was younger than him.

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THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS

Girl on Yacht – Bond literally drops in on her, makes a phone call to HQ saying he will report in an hour. She offers him a drink, and says “better make that two”. I’m counting this one, unless James spent two hours drinking champagne and gossiping.

Kara Milovy – After almost doing it inside an enclosed Ferris wheel, she and James have sex in a surprisingly nice looking bedroom in war-torn Afghanistan.

How did his relationship with Kara end? I think James tried to make it work for a couple of years. However, she was just too boring for him and I’m sure listening to her practice the cello drove him mad. Or maybe she once order him to take out the trash and he told her: “stuff your orders!”

 

LICENCE TO KILL

Pam Bouvier – James and Pam get it on in the waters of Bimini, as their speedboat runs out of gas. This is the most teenage of sex moves James has ever pulled off in the movies.

Lupe – James has sex with the Isthmus City beauty queen in the guest bedroom of the main villain, Franz Sanchez. Major burn!

How did his relationship with Pam end? While making out fully clothed in the pool, James leaves to get them both some drinks. Pam waits for an hour in the pool and then finally starts looking for James. She then sees him having sex with Lupe again. Oh James!

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GOLDENEYE

Natalya Simonova – After Bond avoids getting killed, and possibly an STD, with Xenix Onatopp, he develops a nice relationship with Natalya. They first have sex in Cuba, at what looks like a resort just for them.

How did his relationship with Natalya end? After pronouncing her full name wrong for the 55th time, she breaks up with James. She tells him to go play with his “boys toys”.

 

TOMORROW NEVER DIES 

Inga Bergstrom – James has sex on Oxford campus with a beautiful Danish professor. Why? How? I really want to know more about this random hookup.

Paris Carver – He and his old flame go at it soap opera-style in his Hamburg hotel room. Lots of shoulder bitting.

Wai Lin – Sex at the very end of the movie, floating on what looks like some debris in the middle of South China sea. They are both soaking wet. How James didn’t make a sexual comment about that I will never know.

How did his relationship with Lin end? The two of them lasted about a month. Too many snide remarks about capitalism and communism.

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THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH

Dr. Molly Warmflash – James convinces Molly to throw away her ethics and give him a clean bill of health. What does she get in return? A phone call for maybe a date, and some quick sex in the examination room. What a gal!

Elektra King – Bond can cross off “sex in Baku” off his bucket list, as he and Elektra make passionate love in her bedroom.

Dr. Christmas Jones – They screw in Turkey and Bond lands the mother of all cheesy sex puns… ”I thought Christmas only comes once a year.”

How did his relationship with Christmas end? After a couple of weeks of dating, they both realized they had nothing in common and they could barely talk to one another. Also, Bond kept making doctor and Christmas jokes. Also, she lied about being a nuclear physicist.

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DIE ANOTHER DAY

Jinx – After not having sex for 18 months, James and Jinx get frisky in Cuba. The only time we ever see James facially orgasm. Afterwards, Jinx has a knife and some fruit in bed.

Miranda Frost – She and James do it the coldest bedroom ever invented. By the way, in the morning death was not cooked for breakfast.

How did his relationship with Jinx end? They stayed together for a few months because the sex was great. But James couldn’t take anymore “fruit sex” with Jinx.

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CASINO ROYALE 

Vesper Lynd – After James turns down a BJ in the Bahamas from Solange, he meets the first true love of his life. The first time James and Vesper have sex is while he’s recovering from having his balls bashed to pieces. Look, I will never doubt James Bond’s virility… but I have a hard time (no pun intended) believing he could have sex so quickly after nearly losing his testicles.

How did his relationship with Vesper end? As we know, she drowned herself.

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QUANTUM OF SOLACE

Strawberry Fields – Not only does Strawberry go down as one of his quickest conquests, and as usual soon-to-be dead, but she falls for the worst pickup line ever uttered by Bond: “I can’t find the stationery. Come and help me look.”

How did his relationship with Camille end? I know, I know. James and Camille never hooked up. In fact, they barely had a real kiss. But I hope they eventually gave it a shot since they were both so damaged emotionally.

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SKYFALL

Beach Girl – While Bond is “enjoying death”, he finds himself a hideaway honey. We don’t have a name for her, but they certainly enjoy sex up against the wall.

Severine – After discovering that she had been a sex worker since the age of 12, James thinks it would be romantic if she snuck up on her in the shower. Oh I don’t know about that James.

How did his relationship with Moneypenny end? That’s right, James and Eve almost have sex in Shanghai. I like to think that after the events of Skyfall, they went out on a few dates but decided against having meaningless sex since they see each other everyday at work.

 

SPECTRE

Lucia Sciarra – James sexes up the widow of an assassin he killed. They get it on in her mansion in Rome. Bond leaves her rather quickly and we never see her again.

Madeleine Swann – The daughter of the evil Mr. White becomes a somewhat serious relationship for James. She almost makes him forget about Vesper, when they have sex inside a train after his brutal fight with Mr. Hinx.

How did his relationship with Madeleine end? They drive off in his Aston Martin DB5, settle down in the English countryside. After being together for three years, Bond explains to her that he misses his old life and he walks away from the relationship.

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So by my count: 55ish