Favorite Non-Fleming Bond Novels

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65 years ago Ian Fleming created a literary character that became a motion picture icon. When Fleming died in 1964, it didn’t mean James Bond died. Since Fleming’s passing, there have been several authors who have stepped up to tackle the world of 007. I haven’t read all 25+ non-Fleming novels, but I have read most of them and here are some of my personal favorites. I’m also taking into account which ones I think should have their plots turned into big-screen Bond adventures.

 

ICEBREAKER

If you’re a sucker for a James Bond story set in the snow like I am, then I highly recommend reading this one. Written by John Gardner in 1983, Icebreaker has Bond teaming up with an alliance of agents from the CIA, the KGB and Mossad. The Scandinavia backdrop sees Bond dealing with frenemies and a Neo-Nazi villain who fancies himself the next Hitler. It also has two Bond girls, one good and one bad, but you might not know which is which. Could this work as a film? Great title, and the current new rise of “nationalism” could strike a cord.

 

ROLE OF HONOR

What if James Bond became an agent of SPECTRE? In Role of Honor (John Gardner: 1984), Bond inherits some money from a dead relative and it gives MI6 a clever idea. They publicly accuse Bond of financial improprieties and he resigns. Bond, now a disgruntled ex-employee of her Majesty’s Secret Service, offers his services to SPECTRE (now run by Tamil Rahani). This is a great tale of how far will Bond go to keep his cover. Of course, they learn that Bond’s resignation is false and he foils the villainous plot of the rebooted SPECTRE. The title does have a nice Bond-movie ring to it. The idea of a new leader of the infamous crime organization is neat, and the climax takes place in an airship over Switzerland.

 

NOBODY LIVES FOREVER

This is direct sequel to Role of Honor has Rahani putting a price on 007’s head. Literally! He hires assassins from all over the world to give him James’ head. Nobody Lives Forever, written again by Gardner in 1986, also has Moneypenny getting kidnapped and Bond putting an end to Rahani and whatever is left of SPECTRE once and for all. The title sounds like a Pierce Brosnan – Bond flick. I’d totally be into a movie where Bond is taking on assassins who out to decapitate him.

 

DEVIL MAY CARE

If this isn’t the best non-Fleming title then I don’t know what is! Devil May Care was written by Sebastian Faulks in 2008, but the novel is set in 1967. Bond investigates Julius Gorner, a businessman who produces heroin. His ultimate goal is to get the Soviets and the Brits into WWIII. The plot sounds like it’s been done before a number of times, but the title is still great; oh and did I mention Gorner suffers from main de singe AKA monkey’s paw! Keep the title, keep the monkey lefthand, update the plot and I’d definitely watch that.

 

SOLO 

Written by William Boyd in 2013, Solo takes place in 1969 and has Bond caught in the middle of an African civil war. Bond gets double-crossed, and is shot and left for dead by a group of mercenaries. After that it becomes a classic Bond-goes-rogue type of mission that takes him to the States and dealing with the CIA. It’s crackerjack of a story, that could easily be updated. It also has a villain with a terrific name (Kobus Breed), who has a disfigured face and a permanently weeping eye. Sorry, no weeping blood this time.

 

 

Movie Review: LIVE AND LET DIE

It’s only fitting that I review Live And Let Die on Halloween, since LALD is about as close as you can get to a horror Bond movie.

This 1973 flick not only had voodoo, but it is also directly tied to the blaxploitation era. Roger Moore’s first turn as 007 has him traveling to places that make him stick out like a sore thumb, as well as battle quasi-supernatural elements. It truly is James Bond like you’ve never seen him before.

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Bond’s coolest moment? Roger Moore handles the “fish out of water” Bond style very well when he travels to Harlem. His intro to Solitaire is so smooth.

Bond’s most embarrassing moment? Using a deck of cards to get the upper hand in a fight with Tee Hee inside the train. I have no clue what he was thinking. 

Bond’s best line? After dispatching of Tee Hee and his mechanical hook arm, Solitaire asks him what he’s doing: “Just being disarming darling.”

Best acting performance? Yaphet Kotto as Kananga/Mr. Big is not only a menacing villain, but he has the style, intelligence and arrogance to match Bond. 

Bond’s #MeToo #TimesUp moment? Bond tricking Solitaire into losing her virginity. I mean it was a fun prank with the tarot cards, but he did kind of ruin her life too. Also, Jane Seymour has a face that could start the Trojan War!

Worst line in the movie? Bond introducing Rosie to Quarrel: “Meet the man who shares my hairbrush.

What I noticed for the first time after watching this for the 99th time? Rosie Carver screams exactly like Ned Flanders.

Best action sequence? I guess it has to be the boat chase, but to be honest it goes on way too long. Also has too much Pepper. Sheriff J.W. that is. 

Who or what is the title song about? Paul McCartney’s rock classic is definitely an outlier in the world of Bond theme songs. I think the song is about Bond’s weary work-life.

Best looking cinematic moment? Just the look of Bond landing in NYC and then going around the city is a joy to witness. 

How could the villain have succeeded? Kananga had a great plan about dominating the heroin market, but he failed like so many other Bond villains. He had a chance to do away with Bond a bunch of times, but instead goes for obscure ways to murder him. Croc farm? Shark pool?

Which other Bond actor could have starred in this movie? I think Sean Connery, fresh off the campy Diamonds Are Forever set, could have done quite well in LALD. However, I can’t see him handle the Harlem scenes better than Moore did.

Does Bond ever think he might die? He’s really frightened being alone on that tiny island surrounded by crocs and gators. Can’t blame him. This scene still holds up as one of the most dangerous stunts in Bond movie history.

What would have made the movie better? Having a pre-title sequence with James Bond in it.

What’s in a name? Bond never changes his name, although he does pretend to be a flight instructor. Poor Mrs. Bell. 

What’s in a title? Live And Let Die comes from the novel written by Ian Fleming. It’s one of the few Bond movie titles that has no connection to the plot; nor is it uttered in the film. 

Drinking game: Drink a glass of bourbon (no ice) each time Geoffrey Holder’s Baron Samedi laughs.

“WTF?!” moment: Kananga exploding! 

Fun fact: Before hiring Roger Moore, producer Cubby Broccoli flirted with the idea of making Bond more American. He had Burt Reynolds in mind.

Overall ranking: 12th out of 24

Review synopsis: Live And Let Die is one of the most daring starts to a Bond actor’s career. While it took a couple of movies before Roger Moore was a natural as 007, he handles the action and humor like a seasoned Bond. It’s far from a classic, top tier flick in the franchise, but LALD provides Bond fans with a lot of style and the unexpected.

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The Seven Most Disturbing Scenes in Bond Movie History

With Halloween a day away, it got me thinking about some horrifically, disturbing scenes in the Bond movie franchise. I’ve come up with my most bizarre seven.

Runners-up:

Jaws goes Pennywise (Moonraker)

Clowns are always scary, so imagine Richard Kiel as Jaws dressed as a clown puppet, in a dark alley, during a freaky night of carnival in Rio.

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Jaws meets Jaws (The Spy Who Loved Me)

Now that I think about it, Jaws could have his own list. The character is clearly named after the famous movie shark, so it shouldn’t be surprising when he fights a shark at the end of the movie. But for me, watching “man bites shark” still kind of freaks me out.

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Now on with my personal Bond creepy countdown…

 

7. Jaws is hiding in a closet (The Spy Who Loved Me)

Like I said, we are gonna need a bigger list thanks to Jaws. Here he is hiding inside Agent XXX’s train closet. He’s been perfectly still and quiet that whole time. Yikes! True story, actress Barbara Bach’s frightened reaction wasn’t acting.

 

6. Saunders gets sliced in half (The Living Daylights) 

Saunders is one of those effeminate characters that Bond bullies around. However, when Bond witnesses him getting sliced in half by a sliding door controlled by Necros, you can see Bond’s emotional reaction. Keep in mind, this is at an amusement park. There are kids there with balloons and everything!

 

5. May Day goes to the car wash (A View To A Kill) 

There is something both sad and horrifying the way May Day sneaks up behind Tibbett, and chokes him out. The music is menacing. The last thing you would ever think about, while going through the car wash, is Grace Jones popping up from the backseat and killing you.

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4. Anytime Voodoo Snake Man is doing his thing (Live And Let Die)

Nothing else really needs to be said here.

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3. Corinne gets torn apart by Drax’s hounds from hell (Moonraker) 

Let me remind you that Moonraker is one of the most light-hearted Bond movies ever! But this scene is straight out of those creepy, horror movies of the 70s like The Exorcist or The Omen or Halloween. The music! The woods! Horrible way to die.

 

2. Bond wants Ruby; finds Irma Bunt instead (On Her Majesty’s Secret Service) 

This may not be the second scariest moment in Bond history for many, but it has always creeped me out. Bond is looking for another fling with Ruby, but Irma Bunt is waiting for him in bed. And then you have Bond having some freaky Christmas hallucination after getting bonked on the head.

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  1. Milton Krest blows his top (Licence To Kill) 

Milton Krest is one of those scumbag secondary villains that deserves the death he gets. However, this one is rough as it is the goriest death in Bond franchise history. Franz Sanchez kicks Krest inside a decompression chamber and turns the pressure valve to the highest level. Then ruptures the vent with an axe. The rapid decompression causes Krest’s head to expand and then explode like a tomato in a microwave.

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Movie Review: LICENCE TO KILL

James Bond filmmakers have a history of reacting to current trends. For example, at the end credits of 1977’s The Spy Who Loved Me, it reads: JAMES BOND WILL RETURN in FOR YOUR EYES ONLY. This of course never came to be. Why? Because in the summer of ’77, Star Wars became a sensation. Bond producer Cubby Broccoli decided to make the followup to TSWLM be Moonraker, because movies in outer space were all the rage.

So it wasn’t a surprise that 1989’s Licence To Kill dealt with one of the major current events at that time… the drug war. Put 007 up against a villain who is a mixture of Pablo Escobar and Manuel Noriega, set the plot to fit the gritty times, and you have Timothy Dalton’s 2nd and final turn as James Bond.

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Bond’s coolest moment? Being Sanchez’s houseguest and “innocently” convincing him that his underlings are trying to rob and undermine him.

Bond’s most embarrassing moment? Getting into a Hal Needham-style dive bar fight.

Bond’s best line? Sanchez: Problem solver? Bond: More of a problem eliminator. Followed by some diabolical laughter. 

Best acting performance? Robert Davi as Franz Sanchez takes a villain we’ve seen before in countless drug cartel films, and gives him some style and grace. Almost like a scumbag version of Bond. 

Bond’s #MeToo #TimesUp moment? Dalton’s Bond is pretty much a gentleman here. I guess him checking out Pam (Carey Lowell) getting out of her harbor master outfit would be the best example. To be honest, I’d be guilty of that too!

Worst line in the movie? If a “worst line” can also be the most entertaining line, it’s definitely how Benicio del Toro as Dario says “We gave her a nice honeymoooooooon.”

What I noticed for the first time after watching this for the 59th time? In the opening credits, it doesn’t state the name of the title song or its artist (Gladys Knight). I guess I always took this for granted.

Best action sequence? Quite a few to choose from, but I will go with the underwater action scene with Bond fighting Krest’s men, and then ends up water-skiing on the back of a plane. 

Who or what is the title song about? My hunch is that it’s from Bond’s perspective. He’s trying to impress a pretty lady by talking about his “licence to kill.”

Best looking cinematic moment? The pre-title sequence is a stunner, with Bond lowering down from a helicopter to hook Sanchez’s plane. You know it’s good when Christopher Nolan paid homage to it in the beginning of The Dark Knight Rises. 

How could the villain have succeeded? By not being an abusive boyfriend. Sanchez could have laid low and let Lupe go away. Instead, he becomes obsessive and gets back on the DEA’s radar.

Which other Bond actor could have starred in this movie? In many ways, Dalton’s failure as Bond was a test-drive for our current 007. So I think a modern Daniel Craig – Bond flick could work in LTK. 

Does Bond ever think he might die? James looks downright petrified on that cocaine conveyor belt. Rightfully so. Horrible way to die. Right Dario?

What would have made the movie better? Keeping the same hard edge throughout the film. Lose the campy bar fight, cut out the truck wheelies and other road hi-jinx, don’t cast Wayne Newton as the televangelist, and please don’t show the winking fish statue at the end.

What’s in a name? James Bond doesn’t go by any other names, but he does pretend to be looking for a great white shark for his employers at Universal Exports. 

What’s in a title? Licence to Kill comes from, of course, what Bond has. Interestingly enough, while this screenplay is original, some elements from Ian Fleming’s “Live And Let Die” and “The Hildebrand Rarity” are in LTK.

Drinking game: Drink a Budweiser with lime, each time Professor Joe Butcher says: “Bless your heart.” 

“WTF?!” moment: The easy answer here is the exploding head of Milton Krest, but instead I’m going to go with all the times Felix Leiter’s new bride Della kisses and flirts with best man James. Talk about Three’s Company! 

Fun fact: President Hector Lopez is played by Pedro Armendáriz Jr. His father played Kerim Bey in From Russia With Love

Overall ranking: 21st out of 24.

Review synopsis: Kudos to Timothy Dalton for giving audiences perhaps the first true portrayal of what Fleming intended the character to be. Unfortunately, it’s wasted in a Miami Vice/TV movie of the week masquerading as a Bond film. Make no mistake, this is still a very entertaining flick with some solid, intense action sequences. But in my opinion, 007 is at his best when dealing with international espionage and not going rogue to take down a drug kingpin.

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How Many Women Has James Bond Had Sex With?

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There’s no doubt that in the real world, at the very least, James Bond would be dealing with some painful, burning urination. To say James sleeps around is a major understatement. Here is a list of every woman James Bond has had sexual intercourse with in film. Keep in mind some of these are implied sexual conquests, and never forget that James never uses condoms!

 

DR. NO

Sylvia Trench – Bond has a quickie with her in his apartment before jetting off to Jamaica.  They barely know each other. They know they have gambling and golf in common.

Miss Taro – She becomes Bond’s first ever “hate bang”, as he already knows she’s bad but figures having sex with her wouldn’t be an awful way to kill time. He also uses the “look, no hands” trick.

Honey Ryder – Bond has sex with her in a disgusting small boat, even though Felix Leiter is trying to get them ashore.

How did his relationship with Honey end? I think after having sex in the boat, as soon as they are on dry land, James immediately “ghosts” her. She goes back to being an island girl with an IQ of a child. Not cool James.

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FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE

Sylvia Trench (again) – She might be the closest thing to a steady girlfriend that Bond has ever had. Or at the very least, his regular “booty call”. This time they hook up in public, while picnicking.

Two Gyspy Girls – It’s heavily implied that James had a threesome with them at the gypsy camp. In his defense, he was sort of forced to. Okay, maybe he wasn’t.

Tatiana Romanova – James gets involved in an old-fashioned “honeypot” scenario. Or what modern Russians would call “kompromat”. He has sex with Tanya in his hotel room in Istanbul, while being videotaped.

How did his relationship with Tanya end? I’m willing to believe that these two really tried to be boyfriend-girlfriend for a couple of months in London. Once James probably got bored with the relationship, I bet Tatiana ended up married to a British politician.

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GOLDFINGER

Jill Masterson – Before getting killed by being covered head to toe in gold paint, Jill and James have one of the quickest hookups in cinema history. Bond is “entirely satisfied” by her in his Miami Beach hotel room. I can tell you that the Beatles did not play during their love making.

Pussy Galore – Bond’s first “complicated” relationship. James borderline sexually assaults Pussy (did I mention she’s a lesbian?) in Goldfinger’s barn. She, of course, loves it and is willing to give this heterosexuality thing a shot.

How did his relationship with Pussy end? I think she couldn’t go on living a lie and after a couple of weeks Pussy was back to the ladies. I hope she settled down with one of her flight students and they are both living in Louisville.

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THUNDERBALL

Patricia – Bond blackmails his nurse into having sex with him inside a health clinic steam room. That’s about as romantic as it gets with these two.

Fiona Volpe – Bond has sex with this redheaded villainess in a hotel room in the Bahamas. She’s possibly wilder than him in the sack.

Domino Vitali – She and James have sex in the Caribbean ocean. As they emerge from the water, Bond says: ‘I hope we didn’t frighten the fish.’ Ewwww. One of them definitely got a nasty rash.

How did his relationship with Domino end? I think it ended way before ever getting serious. Domino was kind of in love with her dead brother, so I bet James never lived up to Francois.

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YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE

Ling – Okay this one is debatable. We see them lying in a Murphy bed in Hong Kong in the beginning of the film. It looks all postcoital, but then later in the movie Bond tells Moneypenny what happened with Ling: ‘Oh, another five minutes and I would have found out.’ Mmhmm. I’m counting Ling and guessing James didn’t want to tell Moneypenny about the sex.

Helga Brandt – Sex with another redheaded baddie. Helga thinks she’s having an evening of passion with some guy named Fisher.

Aki – James and Aki have sex during his massage. After she is killed, Bond comes close to having sex with his pretend-wife Kissy Suzuki, but they get interrupted on a life raft.

How did his relationship with Kissy end? I think James and Kissy finally had sex on the naval ship and he gets her pregnant. He bails on her before ever finding out she got knocked up. A rare slip up for James.

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ON HER MAJESTY’S SECRET SERVICE

Tracy – The first time Bond and his future wife have sex is on his hotel balcony in Portugal. She owes him money and decides to pay him off by having a one night stand. Love is in the air.

Ruby – Bond, disguised as Sir Hillary Bray, hooks up with Ruby at a clinic for women with odd allergies. At this time, Bond is engaged to Tracy. But hey, duty calls.

Nancy – As soon as James/Hillary does the “walk of shame” from Ruby’s room, he has sex with Nancy, another clinic girl. She was waiting for him in his room. That’s two for James in one night. Props to his stamina.

How did his relationship with Tracy end? We see her get shot in the head after the wedding.

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DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER

Tiffany Case – Since James never gets around to having fun with Plenty O’Toole, the only woman he sleeps with is Tiffany. They have sex in Bond’s Vegas hotel suite. Keep in mind, James is still feeling down over wife’s murder. I guess. Okay. Not really.

How did his relationship with Tiffany end? Tiffany seemed very clingy. I doubt a brand new widower like James would want to get serious with her.

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LIVE AND LET DIE

Miss Caruso – She is an Italian agent who stays with James at his apartment after a mission together. She sleeps over his place, so James is really growing up.

Rosie Carver – A double crossing agent, whom Bond decides to have some picnic sex with in San Monique.

Solitaire – Definitely not James’ finest moment. She’s a virgin with a gift for fortune telling. He uses a stacked deck of ‘Lover’ tarot cards to trick her into the bedroom.

How did his relationship with Solitaire end? I’m guessing during the long train ride at the end, James knew that he couldn’t seriously date a young woman he just deflowered. Must have been an extremely awkward breakup. “Hey Solitaire, I’m sorry I ruined your fortune telling career because I had to get some.”

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THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN GUN 

Andrea Anders – James sleeps with Scaramanga’s main squeeze in his Bangkok hotel room, while his #1 girl Mary waits it out in the closet. Just think about it. James Bond and Francesco Scaramanga are “eskimo brothers”.

Mary Goodnight – Finally! After waiting throughout the whole movie, a very desperate Mary has sex with James on Scaramanga’s ship. Not sure I could have sex while knowing Nick Nack is stuck up in the crow’s nest!

How did his relationship with Mary end? Since she worked for MI6, I’m sure James gave her some BS about how work relationships don’t work. I also believe Mary kept telling her friends she was James Bond’s girlfriend for almost a year.

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THE SPY WHO LOVED ME

Russian blonde – Bond is shacked up with a beautiful blonde Russian in a snowy cabin in Austria.

Arab harem girl – While hanging out with an old friend in a fancy tent in Egypt, instead of making his way to Cairo immediately, James takes his friend’s offer to stay the night once he sees a stunning beauty. As James says… ‘When one is in Egypt, one should delve deeply into its treasures.” So true!

Anya Amasova – Bond and Agent XXX have sex in train, as she nurses Bond’s wounds from his fight with Jaws. Interesting foreplay.

How did his relationship with Anya end? This is another relationship that I believe James could make work for awhile. She’s supposed to be the Russian female version of him, but because of their busy schedules with missions, it ended after a few months.

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MOONRAKER

Corinne Dufour – Bond sexes up this sweet, innocent helicopter pilot. He has sex with her just so he can get more info on her boss Drax. And like so many of his ladies, she dies.

Manuela – This has to be one of Bond’s quickest hookups. All he has to ask her is “How do you kill five hours in Rio if you don’t Samba?” I guess blame it on Rio?!

Holly Goodhead – With a name like that, she must… anyway. Holly and James make love in her Venice hotel room. Oh and they do it later in outer space!

How did his relationship with Holly end? They got into a huge fight while in space, trying to get back to Earth. Something about James not taking directions well.

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FOR YOUR EYES ONLY 

Countess Lisl – They meet at a casino and immediately end up having sex at her villa. Did I mention she dies?

Melina Havelock – It doesn’t happen until the very end when James and Melina consummate their relationship underwater during a moonlight swim. The fish were frightened again, I’m sure.

How did his relationship with Melina end? They both understood that they were forcing this and that the 25+ year age gap was too much. Ironically, James waited a couple of years for the figure skater Bibi Dahl to turn 18 and let’s just say they helped each other build up some muscle tone.

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OCTOPUSSY

Magda – After a few brief flirty scenes, she and James hook up in his New Delhi hotel room. They “make a few memories” and she then steals his Faberge egg. But not before she shows Bond her “little octopussy”… tattoo.

Octopussy – The title character and Bond have a steamy soap opera style love session in the tacky bedroom of her monsoon palace.

How did his relationship with Octopussy end? They dated for two years because as James told her: they are two of a kind. I just hope he finally learned her real full name. I can’t imagine James going out with a girl and having to introduce her to people as “my girlfriend Octopussy.”

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A VIEW TO A KILL

Kimberly Jones – Bond is officially in “dirty old man” territory, as he takes advantage of a young girl assisting him. They screw for five days from Siberia to Alaska on a motorized iceberg. Five days of sex, champagne, caviar and severe moments of awkwardness.

May Day – Bond has sex… excuse me… May Day has sex with Bond, in what I’m going to guess is in James’ top 5 kinkiest escapades of his life.

Pola Ivanova – The poor woman’s Anya Amasova. She and James do it in a San Francisco bathhouse, as the “bubbles tickler her…Tchaikovsky.”

Stacey Sutton – Some rare shower sex for James at the end of the movie with beautiful, yet dimwitted Stacey. Q’s robot dog, or whatever the hell it was, gets some peeping in.

How did his relationship with Stacey end? After shower sex, James tucked her into bed and made her a quiche. He then left her a sweet note explaining how things would never work out, especially after learning that her mom was younger than him.

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THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS

Girl on Yacht – Bond literally drops in on her, makes a phone call to HQ saying he will report in an hour. She offers him a drink, and says “better make that two”. I’m counting this one, unless James spent two hours drinking champagne and gossiping.

Kara Milovy – After almost doing it inside an enclosed Ferris wheel, she and James have sex in a surprisingly nice looking bedroom in war-torn Afghanistan.

How did his relationship with Kara end? I think James tried to make it work for a couple of years. However, she was just too boring for him and I’m sure listening to her practice the cello drove him mad. Or maybe she once order him to take out the trash and he told her: “stuff your orders!”

 

LICENCE TO KILL

Pam Bouvier – James and Pam get it on in the waters of Bimini, as their speedboat runs out of gas. This is the most teenage of sex moves James has ever pulled off in the movies.

Lupe – James has sex with the Isthmus City beauty queen in the guest bedroom of the main villain, Franz Sanchez. Major burn!

How did his relationship with Pam end? While making out fully clothed in the pool, James leaves to get them both some drinks. Pam waits for an hour in the pool and then finally starts looking for James. She then sees him having sex with Lupe again. Oh James!

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GOLDENEYE

Natalya Simonova – After Bond avoids getting killed, and possibly an STD, with Xenix Onatopp, he develops a nice relationship with Natalya. They first have sex in Cuba, at what looks like a resort just for them.

How did his relationship with Natalya end? After pronouncing her full name wrong for the 55th time, she breaks up with James. She tells him to go play with his “boys toys”.

 

TOMORROW NEVER DIES 

Inga Bergstrom – James has sex on Oxford campus with a beautiful Danish professor. Why? How? I really want to know more about this random hookup.

Paris Carver – He and his old flame go at it soap opera-style in his Hamburg hotel room. Lots of shoulder bitting.

Wai Lin – Sex at the very end of the movie, floating on what looks like some debris in the middle of South China sea. They are both soaking wet. How James didn’t make a sexual comment about that I will never know.

How did his relationship with Lin end? The two of them lasted about a month. Too many snide remarks about capitalism and communism.

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THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH

Dr. Molly Warmflash – James convinces Molly to throw away her ethics and give him a clean bill of health. What does she get in return? A phone call for maybe a date, and some quick sex in the examination room. What a gal!

Elektra King – Bond can cross off “sex in Baku” off his bucket list, as he and Elektra make passionate love in her bedroom.

Dr. Christmas Jones – They screw in Turkey and Bond lands the mother of all cheesy sex puns… ”I thought Christmas only comes once a year.”

How did his relationship with Christmas end? After a couple of weeks of dating, they both realized they had nothing in common and they could barely talk to one another. Also, Bond kept making doctor and Christmas jokes. Also, she lied about being a nuclear physicist.

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DIE ANOTHER DAY

Jinx – After not having sex for 18 months, James and Jinx get frisky in Cuba. The only time we ever see James facially orgasm. Afterwards, Jinx has a knife and some fruit in bed.

Miranda Frost – She and James do it the coldest bedroom ever invented. By the way, in the morning death was not cooked for breakfast.

How did his relationship with Jinx end? They stayed together for a few months because the sex was great. But James couldn’t take anymore “fruit sex” with Jinx.

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CASINO ROYALE 

Vesper Lynd – After James turns down a BJ in the Bahamas from Solange, he meets the first true love of his life. The first time James and Vesper have sex is while he’s recovering from having his balls bashed to pieces. Look, I will never doubt James Bond’s virility… but I have a hard time (no pun intended) believing he could have sex so quickly after nearly losing his testicles.

How did his relationship with Vesper end? As we know, she drowned herself.

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QUANTUM OF SOLACE

Strawberry Fields – Not only does Strawberry go down as one of his quickest conquests, and as usual soon-to-be dead, but she falls for the worst pickup line ever uttered by Bond: “I can’t find the stationery. Come and help me look.”

How did his relationship with Camille end? I know, I know. James and Camille never hooked up. In fact, they barely had a real kiss. But I hope they eventually gave it a shot since they were both so damaged emotionally.

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SKYFALL

Beach Girl – While Bond is “enjoying death”, he finds himself a hideaway honey. We don’t have a name for her, but they certainly enjoy sex up against the wall.

Severine – After discovering that she had been a sex worker since the age of 12, James thinks it would be romantic if she snuck up on her in the shower. Oh I don’t know about that James.

How did his relationship with Moneypenny end? That’s right, James and Eve almost have sex in Shanghai. I like to think that after the events of Skyfall, they went out on a few dates but decided against having meaningless sex since they see each other everyday at work.

 

SPECTRE

Lucia Sciarra – James sexes up the widow of an assassin he killed. They get it on in her mansion in Rome. Bond leaves her rather quickly and we never see her again.

Madeleine Swann – The daughter of the evil Mr. White becomes a somewhat serious relationship for James. She almost makes him forget about Vesper, when they have sex inside a train after his brutal fight with Mr. Hinx.

How did his relationship with Madeleine end? They drive off in his Aston Martin DB5, settle down in the English countryside. After being together for three years, Bond explains to her that he misses his old life and he walks away from the relationship.

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So by my count: 55ish

 

My Bond Movie Diary

I received my love of going to the movies from my family when I was a very small child. Which is why my passion for James Bond makes sense. My family were big fans before I was even born, and when they introduced me into the world of 007, I instantly became a fanatic. As a young child of the 80s, my Bond memories consisted of watching the ABC Sunday Night Movie (mostly of Connery and early Moore) and seeing the latest 007 adventure at the movies on opening weekend.

Almost all of my Bond movie-going experiences involve my family. We truly have a movie bond (rolls eyes). It’s provided me with memories that will last a lifetime. I also have a weird “skill” for remembering mundane events that took place during the movie, or remembering what I had for dinner after. I’m like Rain Man, except please don’t ever make a biopic about me. It’s not that interesting of a talent.

Let’s just call these My Bond Movie Diaries:

Empty cinema screen with audience.

OCTOPUSSY, JUNE 1983 – Five years-old:

  • I had just recently turned five, so my memory isn’t too sharp for this one. I remember seeing it with my entire family in one of our hometown theaters near Queens, NYC. I want to say it was called Bayside Terrace Theaters or something to that effect. 1983 was a big summer for me movie-wise. I remember seeing Return of the Jedi. But to this day, seeing Octopussy was more important to who I am right now. Sure, most of the sexual innuendo went over my head, but I loved watching Roger Moore as a superhero in a tux. I’m pretty sure I had seen a Bond movie on TV before witnessing Octopussy in the theaters, but June of 1983 is when my Bond fandom exploded.

A VIEW TO A KILL, MAY 1985 – Seven years-old:

  • This was either on my birthday (5/29) or a day or two before. Saw this with my family, including my three older half-sisters. So you know this was a big deal. Once again, this was in Queens. Even at seven, I remember Bond “snowboarding” to the Beach Boys was a bit too much. A couple of months later, I traveled with my family to London and we saw AVTAK there. Then in the summer of 1988, I traveled with my family to Paris and we saw AVTAK there also! In 2001, I went to San Francisco. No, I didn’t see the movie there.

THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS, AUGUST 1987 – Nine years-old:

  • Once again with the family in Queens. I remember going in being pissed that it wasn’t Pierce Brosnan replacing Roger Moore as 007. No offense to Timothy Dalton. This might be the least I remember about a Bond movie-going experience. I do remember watching the 25th Anniversary special on ABC leading up to the release of TLD. I really enjoy the movie now as an adult. It’s in my top 10 Bond flicks. I guess I was too young to enjoy the grounded espionage plot, like I had with the campy Octopussy and A View To A Kill. I mean, Bond isn’t dressed like a clown and isn’t sexually dominated by Grace Jones!

LICENCE TO KILL, JULY 1989 – Eleven years-old:

  • Finally out of NYC and on vacation with my family in South FL for most of the summer. 1989 was THE summer for action movies. Batman, Indiana Jones, Lethal Weapon 2…and of course, James Bond in Licence to Kill. I remember my family and I enjoying it, especially my dad, although one of us said something like: “that didn’t feel like a Bond movie.” It’s the opposite of The Living Daylights for me. As I’ve gotten older, I like LTK less and less.

GOLDENEYE, NOVEMBER 1995 – Seventeen years-old:

  • After missing out for most of my teen years, I would finally see a new Bond movie. Six years felt like a lifetime. My family and I were now living in South FL, but I was at that age when I didn’t think it was “cool” to hang out with my family. To this day, this remains the only Bond movie I didn’t see with them. I remember my Mom, the day after she saw it, in the car with me going on and on about how great it was. I think I went the following day to our local mall theater. Also the only time I’d see a Bond movie alone. I really loved Goldeneye and remember how thrilling it was to see my boyhood hero back on the big screen. A couple sitting in front of me talked nonstop. “That can’t happen!”, as 007 bikes off the mountain and free falls to catch the plane. “He hasn’t aged a day!”, as we learn 8 years have passed from the pre-title sequence to the opening scene after the credits. Shut up and enjoy the flick!

TOMORROW NEVER DIES, DECEMBER 1997 – Nineteen years-old:

  • I can honestly say I didn’t see Titanic until late January 1998. Sorry Leo, but the holiday season belonged to Bond. My family was joined by my aunt and cousin this time at our local mall theater, which was a Regal by now. I remember the theater having as many women, if not more, than guys. Pierce really packed the ladies in. I can’t remember which girl I was dating at the time, but I recall her not being interested in seeing TND. Total dealbreaker.

THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH, NOVEMBER 1999 – Twenty-one years-old:

  • Ahhh we are deep into my college years. I saw TWINE at a theatre nearby my college campus in Orlando. I was with my family as usual, but also my college buddy tagged along. To say he wasn’t a huge Bond fan is to say that he thought Goldeneye was based on the video game. He also decided to make a joke saying that “the best part of a James Bond movie isn’t the opening gunbarrel; it’s when the movie ends.” Yeah, that didn’t go over well. Interestingly enough this same friend and I did sneak into a 2nd showing over at the AMC Disney theater, where we dissected Pierce Brosnan’s long windup punch and Denise Richards’ assets.

DIE ANOTHER DAY, NOVEMBER 2002 – Twenty-four years-old:

  • Back in South FL. I recall seeing the 2nd showing of the day, but my family and I got there super early and we walked in while the staff was cleaning the theater and the end credits were rolling. My family and I gave each other a “WTF?!” look as we listened to Madonna’s bizarre, even-more-so techno version of the title song. Die Another Day was a true crowd-pleaser. The puns killed. I guess it took a couple of years to realize it wasn’t that good.

CASINO ROYALE, NOVEMBER 2006 – Twenty-eight years-old:

  • Yes, I was one of the “never Craig” fools. My family were too. By the end of the black & white pre-title sequence, we knew we were dead wrong. This was a great movie-going experience, once again in South FL. My aunt, the one who saw TND, joined us for Craig’s first.  The audience knew they were watching one of the best Bond movies ever. I saw it again a few weeks later with a buddy of mine who was more of a poker fan than a Bond fan, and that started my interest in playing poker. I saw it a 3rd time with my then girlfriend. I think CR might be the closest thing to a Bond movie for lovers. Twisted lovers, but still.

QUANTUM OF SOLACE, NOVEMBER 2008 – Thirty years-old:

  • My family came to visit me after I finished work in South FL, and we went to see Quantum. I remember being sick as a dog that day. I was pretty high on cough syrup, but I remember we liked it…but it wasn’t close to Casino Royale. I saw it a second time a few weeks later, all healthy this time, with a friend.

SKYFALL, NOVEMBER 2012 – Thirty-four years-old:

  • Hands down the best Bond movie-going experience, and one of the top 10 greatest movie-going experiences of my life. My family and I saw this in an IMAX theater in South FL. Sometimes it all comes together. That is what Skyfall did. I wasn’t alone in my thinking. As the packed theater gave a standing ovation, slowly got up and walked out after the 50 year anniversary Bond logo, I heard many of them state that this was the best Bond movie ever. I concur.

SPECTRE, NOVEMBER 2015 – Thirty-seven years-old:

  • IMAX theater once again, except this time in Orlando near Universal. My family and I came out really enjoying it, but we all said the same thing. IT WAS NO SKYFALL! Afterwards, while we ate sushi we had a long chat about Craig’s era. I can tell you the last scene of the movie did feel like the last time we would ever see him again as  Bond. Obviously, we were wrong. I saw it a second time with my then girlfriend. She hated Craig as Bond (she was a Brosnan girl) and kept calling the movie “Spencer” to get under my skin. I actually saw Spectre a third time a couple of months after it was first released. I really just wanted to see the pre-title sequence in Mexico and the fight on the train with Hinx. Once Bond and Swann end up at the Oberhauser/Blofeld lair, I left. Didn’t need to watch anymore of the “foster brothers” nonsense.

BOND 25, FEBRUARY 2020 (Valentine’s Day) – Forty-one years-old:

My family is already in. In fact, they are pissed off it has taken this long. Not sure we will go on V-Day.  So… Ladies???????????????????

 

 

 

 

 

Movie Review: TOMORROW NEVER DIES

After Pierce Brosnan’s first Bond movie (Goldeneye) was such a major hit, the budget and the expectations skyrocketed for his sophomore outing. What follows is an entertaining, by-the-numbers action movie that is the definition of a Brosnan-Bond flick. By 1997, it already felt like he had been Bond for over a decade. Being the “runner-up” for the role in 1986 probably helped with that feeling.

When the film was released in December of ’97, it went head-to-head with Titanic. While Tomorrow Never Dies did very well at the box-office, I don’t think I need to tell you which movie won the battle. Not to be completely outdone by that huge doomed ship, this Bond movie does offer its own sinking vessel.

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Bond’s coolest moment? I think it has to be “Hamburg Bond”; as he oozes cool, confident charm at the CMGN party. Out of the six Bond actors, Brosnan might be the best tuxedoed one. 

Bond’s most embarrassing moment? His love scene, in his hotel room, with Paris Carver comes across as something from a daytime soap opera. I’m surprised the camera lenses weren’t covered in petroleum jelly. Not sure I ever want to see Bond biting shoulders. 

Bond’s best line? Wai Lin: “Exactly what kind of banking do you specialize in, Mr. Bond? James Bond: “Hostile takeovers.”

Best acting performance? It’s Michelle Yeoh by default as Wai Lin. Teri Hatcher as Paris Carver is a kind of dull Tracy from OHMSS. And forget about Jonathan Pryce as Elliot *cough* (Rupert Murdoch) *cough* Carver. This villain is eating up so much scenery, I’m shocked he doesn’t have pieces of the set at the corners of his mouth.

Bond’s #MeToo #TimesUp moment? Not so much a “moment”, but I would have loved some backstory on how Bond ended up in bed with the young Danish professor.

Worst line in the movie? Carver on Bond possibly floating out to sea: “He’s my new anchor man.” He then proceeds to mock Wai Lin’s martial arts skills. Pathetic indeed. 

What I noticed for the first time after watching this for the 89th time? When Q and Bond are playing with his new car’s remote control/cell phone in the airplane hangar, there’s a worker checking it all out from an airplane. He’s going to have quite a story to tell his coworkers.  

Best action sequence? This movie certainly doesn’t lack action scenes. Plenty of solid ones to choose from. I’m going to go with the motorcycle chase, with Bond and Wai Lin handcuffed together. Runner-up is the pre-title sequence at the Arms Bazaar. Fun for the whole family.

Who or what is the title song about? Considering the opening line of the song is “Darling I’m killed. I’m in a puddle on the floor” I gather it’s one of the rare Bond songs written for all the dead girls from his past. 

Best looking cinematic moment? Every exterior shot in Hamburg. I want to stay at the Atlantic Hotel.

How could the villain have succeeded? Maybe I’m just not rich enough to understand, but Carver had to have spent a fortune on his sinking of the Devonshire, shooting down the Chinese MiGs, etc. Would starting a war between Great Britain and China really have made him any richer? Seems like a waste of time and money, all for 100 years broadcast rights in China. What I’m saying is… he should have waited a decade or two and created “fake news” instead.

Which other Bond actor could have starred in this movie? As stated before, this is a very “Pierce Brosnan as 007” vehicle. Although twenty years earlier, I could have easily seen Roger Moore in a Bond movie like this.

Does Bond ever think he might die? When Dr. Kaufman has the gun pointed at him he does seem nervous. Thank heavens for his Sony Ericsson cell phone. By the way, I want to know which celebrities Dr. Kaufman murdered and made it look like a suicide. 

What would have made the movie better? Swap Sheryl Crow’s mediocre title song with K.D. Lang’s slam-bang end credits song, which sounds like an ode to Shirley Bassey.

What’s in a name? James Bond the secret agent, pretends to be James Bond the banker. This works for about maybe two minutes. 

What’s in a title? Originally (more appropriately) titled “Tomorrow Never Lies”, Tomorrow Never Dies is the first Bond movie title to not have any connection to Ian Fleming at all. As for the two previous films, “Licence To Kill” is phrase from past novels, and “Goldeneye” was the name of Fleming’s Jamaica home.

Drinking game: Take a shot of Smirnoff vodka any time someone mentions “GPS”. 

“WTF?!” moment: Wai Lin walking the wall after using her wire wrist piton gadget. Bond stops for a good three seconds to watch her, while Carver’s security guards shoot at him. Keep moving James!

Fun fact: A young Gerald Butler plays one of the Devonshire crew. 

Overall ranking: 17 out of 24. 

Review synopsis: It has every element you want in a Bond movie. Terrific action set pieces, two Bond girls, interesting locations, a bleached blonde henchman, and a villain with an over-the-top plan. Yet, Tomorrow Never Dies doesn’t fully live up to the expectations. It’s no Goldeneye. Sometimes it wants to be a serious movie, then it wants to camp it up. In the end, it’s an entertaining chapter in the franchise, that moves at such a brisk pace that the average fan may not remember it ten minutes later.

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