Analyzing the Teaser for NO TIME TO DIE

It’s finally here Bond fans! Well, sort of. Last night, we got the teaser for the teaser, so to speak. By Wednesday morning, we will all have the first trailer for the 25th James Bond adventure, No Time To Die.

In the meantime, lets analyze a few of the shots we have already witnessed.

 

SHOT #1

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A casually dressed Bond opens up what appears to be a garage door. I’m thinking this takes place not too long after the pre-title sequence, after his Aston Martin DB5 gets all messed up (again). Perhaps this is where he’s storing his backup vehicle… the Aston Martin V8.

 

SHOT #2

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This is a scene we already knew about. There was a poster of this same sequence a few months ago. Bond cooly stepping out of what appears to be his AM V8. This to me seems like James back in London for the first time in a while. Perhaps reuniting with Moneypenny, Q and M.

 

SHOT #3

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Another shot we shouldn’t be surprised to see. There is going to be a very cool Land Rover battle going on. This was filmed in either Scotland or Norway. But we have learned that the license plates of the baddies are Russian.

 

SHOT #4

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Here we see Lashana Lynch as Nomi (the current 007?) and she is in a sweet new ride. Could she be keeping an eye on James Bond throughout his mission?

 

SHOT 5#

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Ana de Armas, fresh off working with Daniel Craig in Knives Out, is back with him and she is blasting away. Her character Paloma is still a bit of a mystery. While she looks like a femme fatale, recent reports have her character as an ally to James. Her scenes are supposed to take place in Cuba.

 

SHOT #6

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This the WOW stunt of the teaser-teaser. We had seen some filming of this in Matera, Italy. It’s hard to tell from the shot, but I believe that is James on the motorbike doing an insane jump over a crowd. This will take place in the pre-title sequence.

 

SHOT #7

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Can’t have a James Bond flick without him looking as suave as can be in a tux and in a partying setting. I believe this also takes place in Cuba, and I’m guessing this is his (and our) introduction to Paloma.

 

#SHOT 8

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The DB5 still has its weapons. This is during the PTS and it appears James and Madeleine are surrounded by baddies holding guns. Once again, another look at Matera.

 

#SHOT 9

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This the shot everyone is talking about. Is this a masked Rami Malek as the villain Safin? While I’m all for this mysterious take… he looks like a cross-dressing Kabuki killer… I have a good idea that this is him as the villain we saw very early into the production shooting in icy Norway.

Seven Most Embarrassing Moments for James Bond

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He’s the coolest secret agent around, but every now and then 007 gets caught in some hauntingly embarrassing moments. I’ve listed my top (bottom) seven of these cringeworthy film scenes. Roger Moore makes a heavy appearance on the list. I think he would be fine with that.

 

001. James Bond “invents” snowboarding (A View To A Kill)

Not only does he show us this new sport, but by doing so he makes every Russian become bad at skiing. The cover of a cover of The Beach Boys classic doesn’t help. Yet, for a movie like A View To A Kill it does let you know what you are in for the next two hours. My favorite part of this entire pre-titles sequence is knowing Roger Moore never set foot on location.

 

002. James Bond yells like Tarzan! (Octopussy)

Sticking with the late great Sir Roger; here we have him escaping a deadly safari hunt. For some reason, Bond decides to literally sound like Johnny Weissmuller’s Tarzan while swinging from vine to vine. Nobody yells it better.

 

003. (3 way tie) The crocodile, the gorilla and the clown. (Octopussy)

Which other James Bond actor would allow himself to be dressed up like this? The correct answer is only Roger.

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004. James Bond goes kitesurfing! (Die Another Day)

Pierce Brosnan gets into the embarrassing act game here. Bond kite-surfs an icy tidal wave in Iceland. As if the CGI wasn’t humiliating enough.

 

005. James and Sheriff J.W. Pepper go for a loopy ride. (The Man With The Golden Gun)

Perhaps the only thing more embarrassing than that slide whistle is being in the same car as Sheriff J.W. Pepper. But let’s face it, that slide whistle ruins an amazing real life stunt.

 

006. Bond swings from a fire truck. (A View To A Kill)

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Looking like a scene I would have created as a 7 year-old playing with my toys, James is hanging on for dear life from a San Francisco fire truck. Swing me back!

 

007. James decides to quip after sex with Dr. Christmas Jones. (The World Is Not Enough)

He had been waiting the whole second-half of the movie to get in a Christmas joke! Mission accomplished.

 

Obscure Movies From Bond Actors

We know all six of them, and we all love to watch them as James Bond. But what about those “I don’t remember him in that” films? Here’s each Bond actor’s most obscure role IMHO. For better or worse, these are some titles that get lost on the resume.

 

SEAN CONNERY as The Green Knight in Sword of the Valiant: The Legend of Sir Gawain and the Green Knight

Sean Connery in Sword of the Valiant: The Legend of Sir Gawain and the Green Knight (1984)

I’ve never seen this 1984 film because I’m pretty sure I’ve never seen it listed on the TV menu. Connery isn’t the main star in this fantasy. This movie belongs to Miles O’Keefe, of Tarzan and Ator/MST3K “fame”. Sean really does look great in green!

 

 

GEORGE LAZENBY as Mallory in The Master a.k.a. Master Ninja 

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Speaking of MST3K; okay so this one isn’t really a movie-movie. It’s a bad 1980s TV show with Lee Van Cleef and Timothy Van Patten. But in it George has a small, but mysterious role as an agent named Mallory. He’s in a tux, and he drives the Aston Martin DB5… but don’t call him James.

 

ROGER MOORE as Dr. Judd Stevens in The Naked Face 

I did see this movie on TV as a kid and the only thing I remember at the end of it is Anne Archer dying in Roger’s arms and him yelling BASTARDS! 

 

TIMOTHY DALTON as Sir Michael Barrington in Sextette 

If you ever want to see 80 year-old Mae West get romantic with a young Timothy Dalton… yeah I know, you don’t either. So instead, here’s them embarrassing themselves with a “Love Will Keep Us Together” duet.

 

PIERCE BROSNAN as Danny O’Neill in Live Wire 

If my memory services me correctly, this 1991 direct-to-video movie bookends with Pierce disabling a car bomb in between a woman’s legs. There is also over the top baddies and suicide bomber dressed as a clown.

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DANIEL CRAIG as Rudy Mackenzie in The Jacket 

A weird flick about Iraqi war vets and a time-traveling straightjacket. Oh yeah and a pre-Bond D.C. in a small role. Think One Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest meets Three Kings meets Source Code.

What Is Your James Bond Age?

I am a firm believer that a gentleman doesn’t truly get old until he is older than both the current James Bond actor and the current President of the United States. Luckily, I have both of them beat in the age game. But after Daniel Craig bids us adieu in No Time To Die, I’m pretty sure I will be slightly older than the next 007.

With this in mind, here are all the ages of each Bond during the release year of their movie. I’m not going by actual birthdates, rather how old they turned the same year as their movie.

For example: my current age is Diamonds Are Forever and The Living Daylights.

 

30 years-old (On Her Majesty’s Secret Service)

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32 years-old (Dr. No)

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33 years-old (From Russia With Love)

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34 years-old  (Goldfinger)

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35 years-old (Thunderball)

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37 years-old (You Only Live Twice)

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38 years-old (Casino Royale)

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40 years-old (Quantum of Solace)

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41 years-old (Diamonds Are Forever) (The Living Daylights)

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42 years-old (Goldeneye)

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43 years-old (Licence To Kill)

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44 years-old (Tomorrow Never Dies) (Skyfall)

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46 years-old (Live And Let Die) (The World Is Not Enough)

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47 years-old (The Man With The Golden Gun) (Spectre)

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49 years-old (Die Another Day)

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50 years-old (The Spy Who Loved Me)

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52 years-old (Moonraker) (No Time To Die)

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54 years-old (For Your Eyes Only)

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56 years-old (Octopussy)

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58 years-old (A View To A Kill)

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My Seven Favorite Bond Trailers

While we all wait for Bond 25 to finally give us a title and a teaser trailer, I thought it might be fun to look back at some of the franchise’s past trailers. I’ve listed my seven favorites. My criteria for this exclusive list focuses on two aspects. Firstly, most of the old Connery and Moore trailers are way too long. They are pretty much four minute CliffsNotes versions of the film. Secondly, I’m a sucker for a well made teaser trailer. It’s brief enough, yet also shows us enough to make us want more.

 

001

 

002

 

003 

 

004 

 

005 

 

006 

 

007

 

James Bond Isn’t Always The Hero

If you deeply studied the creator of the James Bond character, Ian Fleming, you would come to discover he was the antithesis of the term “woke”. In fact, the eye-rolling term “man of his time” would be the polite way of describing Fleming’s more than borderline misogyny and racism.

So it goes without saying that James Bond isn’t always morally right. As the decades have passed, and he has become a true-blue cinematic hero, Bond still has moments that should remind us that he isn’t so noble. And that’s actually fine. Times change rapidly, the character’s attitude toward women and social class also change, but at a very slow rate and not always fully. Sometimes it’s nice to see him as a “fish out of water” in our evolving social world.

Here are some of the moments when 007 is less than heroic.

 

Telling his black guide to fetch his shoes. 

James Bond / Dr No

I’m not sure which is more problematic: The fact that he said this to Quarrel, or the fact that it took decades and decades and decades for it make us flinch?

 

All the times he slapped women, and was just all around too rough with them!

I will say Roger Moore looked the worst doing this, mainly because he never had a mean bone in his body.

 

Speaking of mistreating women; the plethora of #MeToo #TimesUp moments. 

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Dropping his dead buddy into a dumpster.

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James isn’t one for goodbyes, but even for him this was a harsh way to treat Mathis.

 

And if being rough with women, or being a straight up womanizer, wasn’t enough for you… I give you some old-fashioned ohhhh women can do that? 

Oddest Casting Choices and Roles

For every inspired casting choice like Christopher Walken and Javier Bardem as the main villains, or Honor Blackman and Eva Green as the main Bond girls, we get some true head scratchers. Is it bad casting or bad character development? You decide.

Here are just some of the ones that baffle me:

 

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“It’s your honor sir!”

Gerry Duggan as Hawkers, Bond’s caddie in Goldfinger. It’s like they took a cast member from Darby O’Gill and the Little People and just plunked him onto the set.

 

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Leonardo Dicaprio The Way Of The Future GIF

I know when I think of Howard Hughes, I do NOT think of Jimmy Dean as Willard Whyte in Diamonds Are Forever.

 

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We go from Donald Pleasance and Telly Savalas to campy Charles Gray as Blofeld in Diamonds Are Forever. I liked him better as Mr. Henderson in You Only Live Twice.

 

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Okay, this one is too easy. I have less issue with Northern born actor Clifton James’ turn as Sheriff J.W. Pepper (Live And Let Die/The Man With The Golden Gun), and more of confusion as to why he played pretty much the same exact role in Superman II.

 

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Lynn-Holly Johnson was a world class figure skater. Perfect for the role of Bibi in For Your Eyes Only. Less perfect as a “Lolita” trying to shag an embarrassed James Bond, played by 50something Roger Moore.

 

Jean Rougerie as French private detective Achille Aubergine in A View To A Kill, is so stereotypically French that he makes Inspector Jacques Clouseau and Pepé Le Pew look like they were born and raised in Iowa.

 

The casting of singer Wayne Newton as Professor Joe Butcher in Licence To Kill? All I have to say is… “bless your heart!”

 

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She sang the song; might as well add her to the cast. Madonna as a fencing instructor named Verity, adds to Die Another Day‘s astronomical pun count.

 

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Ludger Pistor as Mr. Mendel is a character that seems out of place in Casino Royale. This Swiss banker is responsible for all monetary transactions during and after the poker match. Sorry, he didn’t bring any chocolates.