How Many Women Has James Bond Had Sex With?

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There’s no doubt that in the real world, at the very least, James Bond would be dealing with some painful, burning urination. To say James sleeps around is a major understatement. Here is a list of every woman James Bond has had sexual intercourse with in film. Keep in mind some of these are implied sexual conquests, and never forget that James never uses condoms!

 

DR. NO

Sylvia Trench – Bond has a quickie with her in his apartment before jetting off to Jamaica.  They barely know each other. They know they have gambling and golf in common.

Miss Taro – She becomes Bond’s first ever “hate bang”, as he already knows she’s bad but figures having sex with her wouldn’t be an awful way to kill time. He also uses the “look, no hands” trick.

Honey Ryder – Bond has sex with her in a disgusting small boat, even though Felix Leiter is trying to get them ashore.

How did his relationship with Honey end? I think after having sex in the boat, as soon as they are on dry land, James immediately “ghosts” her. She goes back to being an island girl with an IQ of a child. Not cool James.

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FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE

Sylvia Trench (again) – She might be the closest thing to a steady girlfriend that Bond has ever had. Or at the very least, his regular “booty call”. This time they hook up in public, while picnicking.

Two Gyspy Girls – It’s heavily implied that James had a threesome with them at the gypsy camp. In his defense, he was sort of forced to. Okay, maybe he wasn’t.

Tatiana Romanova – James gets involved in an old-fashioned “honeypot” scenario. Or what modern Russians would call “kompromat”. He has sex with Tanya in his hotel room in Istanbul, while being videotaped.

How did his relationship with Tanya end? I’m willing to believe that these two really tried to be boyfriend-girlfriend for a couple of months in London. Once James probably got bored with the relationship, I bet Tatiana ended up married to a British politician.

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GOLDFINGER

Jill Masterson – Before getting killed by being covered head to toe in gold paint, Jill and James have one of the quickest hookups in cinema history. Bond is “entirely satisfied” by her in his Miami Beach hotel room. I can tell you that the Beatles did not play during their love making.

Pussy Galore – Bond’s first “complicated” relationship. James borderline sexually assaults Pussy (did I mention she’s a lesbian?) in Goldfinger’s barn. She, of course, loves it and is willing to give this heterosexuality thing a shot.

How did his relationship with Pussy end? I think she couldn’t go on living a lie and after a couple of weeks Pussy was back to the ladies. I hope she settled down with one of her flight students and they are both living in Louisville.

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THUNDERBALL

Patricia – Bond blackmails his nurse into having sex with him inside a health clinic steam room. That’s about as romantic as it gets with these two.

Fiona Volpe – Bond has sex with this redheaded villainess in a hotel room in the Bahamas. She’s possibly wilder than him in the sack.

Domino Vitali – She and James have sex in the Caribbean ocean. As they emerge from the water, Bond says: ‘I hope we didn’t frighten the fish.’ Ewwww. One of them definitely got a nasty rash.

How did his relationship with Domino end? I think it ended way before ever getting serious. Domino was kind of in love with her dead brother, so I bet James never lived up to Francois.

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YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE

Ling – Okay this one is debatable. We see them lying in a Murphy bed in Hong Kong in the beginning of the film. It looks all postcoital, but then later in the movie Bond tells Moneypenny what happened with Ling: ‘Oh, another five minutes and I would have found out.’ Mmhmm. I’m counting Ling and guessing James didn’t want to tell Moneypenny about the sex.

Helga Brandt – Sex with another redheaded baddie. Helga thinks she’s having an evening of passion with some guy named Fisher.

Aki – James and Aki have sex during his massage. After she is killed, Bond comes close to having sex with his pretend-wife Kissy Suzuki, but they get interrupted on a life raft.

How did his relationship with Kissy end? I think James and Kissy finally had sex on the naval ship and he gets her pregnant. He bails on her before ever finding out she got knocked up. A rare slip up for James.

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ON HER MAJESTY’S SECRET SERVICE

Tracy – The first time Bond and his future wife have sex is on his hotel balcony in Portugal. She owes him money and decides to pay him off by having a one night stand. Love is in the air.

Ruby – Bond, disguised as Sir Hillary Bray, hooks up with Ruby at a clinic for women with odd allergies. At this time, Bond is engaged to Tracy. But hey, duty calls.

Nancy – As soon as James/Hillary does the “walk of shame” from Ruby’s room, he has sex with Nancy, another clinic girl. She was waiting for him in his room. That’s two for James in one night. Props to his stamina.

How did his relationship with Tracy end? We see her get shot in the head after the wedding.

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DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER

Tiffany Case – Since James never gets around to having fun with Plenty O’Toole, the only woman he sleeps with is Tiffany. They have sex in Bond’s Vegas hotel suite. Keep in mind, James is still feeling down over wife’s murder. I guess. Okay. Not really.

How did his relationship with Tiffany end? Tiffany seemed very clingy. I doubt a brand new widower like James would want to get serious with her.

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LIVE AND LET DIE

Miss Caruso – She is an Italian agent who stays with James at his apartment after a mission together. She sleeps over his place, so James is really growing up.

Rosie Carver – A double crossing agent, whom Bond decides to have some picnic sex with in San Monique.

Solitaire – Definitely not James’ finest moment. She’s a virgin with a gift for fortune telling. He uses a stacked deck of ‘Lover’ tarot cards to trick her into the bedroom.

How did his relationship with Solitaire end? I’m guessing during the long train ride at the end, James knew that he couldn’t seriously date a young woman he just deflowered. Must have been an extremely awkward breakup. “Hey Solitaire, I’m sorry I ruined your fortune telling career because I had to get some.”

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THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN GUN 

Andrea Anders – James sleeps with Scaramanga’s main squeeze in his Bangkok hotel room, while his #1 girl Mary waits it out in the closet. Just think about it. James Bond and Francesco Scaramanga are “eskimo brothers”.

Mary Goodnight – Finally! After waiting throughout the whole movie, a very desperate Mary has sex with James on Scaramanga’s ship. Not sure I could have sex while knowing Nick Nack is stuck up in the crow’s nest!

How did his relationship with Mary end? Since she worked for MI6, I’m sure James gave her some BS about how work relationships don’t work. I also believe Mary kept telling her friends she was James Bond’s girlfriend for almost a year.

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THE SPY WHO LOVED ME

Russian blonde – Bond is shacked up with a beautiful blonde Russian in a snowy cabin in Austria.

Arab harem girl – While hanging out with an old friend in a fancy tent in Egypt, instead of making his way to Cairo immediately, James takes his friend’s offer to stay the night once he sees a stunning beauty. As James says… ‘When one is in Egypt, one should delve deeply into its treasures.” So true!

Anya Amasova – Bond and Agent XXX have sex in train, as she nurses Bond’s wounds from his fight with Jaws. Interesting foreplay.

How did his relationship with Anya end? This is another relationship that I believe James could make work for awhile. She’s supposed to be the Russian female version of him, but because of their busy schedules with missions, it ended after a few months.

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MOONRAKER

Corinne Dufour – Bond sexes up this sweet, innocent helicopter pilot. He has sex with her just so he can get more info on her boss Drax. And like so many of his ladies, she dies.

Manuela – This has to be one of Bond’s quickest hookups. All he has to ask her is “How do you kill five hours in Rio if you don’t Samba?” I guess blame it on Rio?!

Holly Goodhead – With a name like that, she must… anyway. Holly and James make love in her Venice hotel room. Oh and they do it later in outer space!

How did his relationship with Holly end? They got into a huge fight while in space, trying to get back to Earth. Something about James not taking directions well.

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FOR YOUR EYES ONLY 

Countess Lisl – They meet at a casino and immediately end up having sex at her villa. Did I mention she dies?

Melina Havelock – It doesn’t happen until the very end when James and Melina consummate their relationship underwater during a moonlight swim. The fish were frightened again, I’m sure.

How did his relationship with Melina end? They both understood that they were forcing this and that the 25+ year age gap was too much. Ironically, James waited a couple of years for the figure skater Bibi Dahl to turn 18 and let’s just say they helped each other build up some muscle tone.

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OCTOPUSSY

Magda – After a few brief flirty scenes, she and James hook up in his New Delhi hotel room. They “make a few memories” and she then steals his Faberge egg. But not before she shows Bond her “little octopussy”… tattoo.

Octopussy – The title character and Bond have a steamy soap opera style love session in the tacky bedroom of her monsoon palace.

How did his relationship with Octopussy end? They dated for two years because as James told her: they are two of a kind. I just hope he finally learned her real full name. I can’t imagine James going out with a girl and having to introduce her to people as “my girlfriend Octopussy.”

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A VIEW TO A KILL

Kimberly Jones – Bond is officially in “dirty old man” territory, as he takes advantage of a young girl assisting him. They screw for five days from Siberia to Alaska on a motorized iceberg. Five days of sex, champagne, caviar and severe moments of awkwardness.

May Day – Bond has sex… excuse me… May Day has sex with Bond, in what I’m going to guess is in James’ top 5 kinkiest escapades of his life.

Pola Ivanova – The poor woman’s Anya Amasova. She and James do it in a San Francisco bathhouse, as the “bubbles tickler her…Tchaikovsky.”

Stacey Sutton – Some rare shower sex for James at the end of the movie with beautiful, yet dimwitted Stacey. Q’s robot dog, or whatever the hell it was, gets some peeping in.

How did his relationship with Stacey end? After shower sex, James tucked her into bed and made her a quiche. He then left her a sweet note explaining how things would never work out, especially after learning that her mom was younger than him.

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THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS

Girl on Yacht – Bond literally drops in on her, makes a phone call to HQ saying he will report in an hour. She offers him a drink, and says “better make that two”. I’m counting this one, unless James spent two hours drinking champagne and gossiping.

Kara Milovy – After almost doing it inside an enclosed Ferris wheel, she and James have sex in a surprisingly nice looking bedroom in war-torn Afghanistan.

How did his relationship with Kara end? I think James tried to make it work for a couple of years. However, she was just too boring for him and I’m sure listening to her practice the cello drove him mad. Or maybe she once order him to take out the trash and he told her: “stuff your orders!”

 

LICENCE TO KILL

Pam Bouvier – James and Pam get it on in the waters of Bimini, as their speedboat runs out of gas. This is the most teenage of sex moves James has ever pulled off in the movies.

Lupe – James has sex with the Isthmus City beauty queen in the guest bedroom of the main villain, Franz Sanchez. Major burn!

How did his relationship with Pam end? While making out fully clothed in the pool, James leaves to get them both some drinks. Pam waits for an hour in the pool and then finally starts looking for James. She then sees him having sex with Lupe again. Oh James!

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GOLDENEYE

Natalya Simonova – After Bond avoids getting killed, and possibly an STD, with Xenix Onatopp, he develops a nice relationship with Natalya. They first have sex in Cuba, at what looks like a resort just for them.

How did his relationship with Natalya end? After pronouncing her full name wrong for the 55th time, she breaks up with James. She tells him to go play with his “boys toys”.

 

TOMORROW NEVER DIES 

Inga Bergstrom – James has sex on Oxford campus with a beautiful Danish professor. Why? How? I really want to know more about this random hookup.

Paris Carver – He and his old flame go at it soap opera-style in his Hamburg hotel room. Lots of shoulder bitting.

Wai Lin – Sex at the very end of the movie, floating on what looks like some debris in the middle of South China sea. They are both soaking wet. How James didn’t make a sexual comment about that I will never know.

How did his relationship with Lin end? The two of them lasted about a month. Too many snide remarks about capitalism and communism.

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THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH

Dr. Molly Warmflash – James convinces Molly to throw away her ethics and give him a clean bill of health. What does she get in return? A phone call for maybe a date, and some quick sex in the examination room. What a gal!

Elektra King – Bond can cross off “sex in Baku” off his bucket list, as he and Elektra make passionate love in her bedroom.

Dr. Christmas Jones – They screw in Turkey and Bond lands the mother of all cheesy sex puns… ”I thought Christmas only comes once a year.”

How did his relationship with Christmas end? After a couple of weeks of dating, they both realized they had nothing in common and they could barely talk to one another. Also, Bond kept making doctor and Christmas jokes. Also, she lied about being a nuclear physicist.

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DIE ANOTHER DAY

Jinx – After not having sex for 18 months, James and Jinx get frisky in Cuba. The only time we ever see James facially orgasm. Afterwards, Jinx has a knife and some fruit in bed.

Miranda Frost – She and James do it the coldest bedroom ever invented. By the way, in the morning death was not cooked for breakfast.

How did his relationship with Jinx end? They stayed together for a few months because the sex was great. But James couldn’t take anymore “fruit sex” with Jinx.

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CASINO ROYALE 

Vesper Lynd – After James turns down a BJ in the Bahamas from Solange, he meets the first true love of his life. The first time James and Vesper have sex is while he’s recovering from having his balls bashed to pieces. Look, I will never doubt James Bond’s virility… but I have a hard time (no pun intended) believing he could have sex so quickly after nearly losing his testicles.

How did his relationship with Vesper end? As we know, she drowned herself.

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QUANTUM OF SOLACE

Strawberry Fields – Not only does Strawberry go down as one of his quickest conquests, and as usual soon-to-be dead, but she falls for the worst pickup line ever uttered by Bond: “I can’t find the stationery. Come and help me look.”

How did his relationship with Camille end? I know, I know. James and Camille never hooked up. In fact, they barely had a real kiss. But I hope they eventually gave it a shot since they were both so damaged emotionally.

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SKYFALL

Beach Girl – While Bond is “enjoying death”, he finds himself a hideaway honey. We don’t have a name for her, but they certainly enjoy sex up against the wall.

Severine – After discovering that she had been a sex worker since the age of 12, James thinks it would be romantic if she snuck up on her in the shower. Oh I don’t know about that James.

How did his relationship with Moneypenny end? That’s right, James and Eve almost have sex in Shanghai. I like to think that after the events of Skyfall, they went out on a few dates but decided against having meaningless sex since they see each other everyday at work.

 

SPECTRE

Lucia Sciarra – James sexes up the widow of an assassin he killed. They get it on in her mansion in Rome. Bond leaves her rather quickly and we never see her again.

Madeleine Swann – The daughter of the evil Mr. White becomes a somewhat serious relationship for James. She almost makes him forget about Vesper, when they have sex inside a train after his brutal fight with Mr. Hinx.

How did his relationship with Madeleine end? They drive off in his Aston Martin DB5, settle down in the English countryside. After being together for three years, Bond explains to her that he misses his old life and he walks away from the relationship.

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So by my count: 55ish

 

My Bond Movie Diary

I received my love of going to the movies from my family when I was a very small child. Which is why my passion for James Bond makes sense. My family were big fans before I was even born, and when they introduced me into the world of 007, I instantly became a fanatic. As a young child of the 80s, my Bond memories consisted of watching the ABC Sunday Night Movie (mostly of Connery and early Moore) and seeing the latest 007 adventure at the movies on opening weekend.

Almost all of my Bond movie-going experiences involve my family. We truly have a movie bond (rolls eyes). It’s provided me with memories that will last a lifetime. I also have a weird “skill” for remembering mundane events that took place during the movie, or remembering what I had for dinner after. I’m like Rain Man, except please don’t ever make a biopic about me. It’s not that interesting of a talent.

Let’s just call these My Bond Movie Diaries:

Empty cinema screen with audience.

OCTOPUSSY, JUNE 1983 – Five years-old:

  • I had just recently turned five, so my memory isn’t too sharp for this one. I remember seeing it with my entire family in one of our hometown theaters near Queens, NYC. I want to say it was called Bayside Terrace Theaters or something to that effect. 1983 was a big summer for me movie-wise. I remember seeing Return of the Jedi. But to this day, seeing Octopussy was more important to who I am right now. Sure, most of the sexual innuendo went over my head, but I loved watching Roger Moore as a superhero in a tux. I’m pretty sure I had seen a Bond movie on TV before witnessing Octopussy in the theaters, but June of 1983 is when my Bond fandom exploded.

A VIEW TO A KILL, MAY 1985 – Seven years-old:

  • This was either on my birthday (5/29) or a day or two before. Saw this with my family, including my three older half-sisters. So you know this was a big deal. Once again, this was in Queens. Even at seven, I remember Bond “snowboarding” to the Beach Boys was a bit too much. A couple of months later, I traveled with my family to London and we saw AVTAK there. Then in the summer of 1988, I traveled with my family to Paris and we saw AVTAK there also! In 2001, I went to San Francisco. No, I didn’t see the movie there.

THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS, AUGUST 1987 – Nine years-old:

  • Once again with the family in Queens. I remember going in being pissed that it wasn’t Pierce Brosnan replacing Roger Moore as 007. No offense to Timothy Dalton. This might be the least I remember about a Bond movie-going experience. I do remember watching the 25th Anniversary special on ABC leading up to the release of TLD. I really enjoy the movie now as an adult. It’s in my top 10 Bond flicks. I guess I was too young to enjoy the grounded espionage plot, like I had with the campy Octopussy and A View To A Kill. I mean, Bond isn’t dressed like a clown and isn’t sexually dominated by Grace Jones!

LICENCE TO KILL, JULY 1989 – Eleven years-old:

  • Finally out of NYC and on vacation with my family in South FL for most of the summer. 1989 was THE summer for action movies. Batman, Indiana Jones, Lethal Weapon 2…and of course, James Bond in Licence to Kill. I remember my family and I enjoying it, especially my dad, although one of us said something like: “that didn’t feel like a Bond movie.” It’s the opposite of The Living Daylights for me. As I’ve gotten older, I like LTK less and less.

GOLDENEYE, NOVEMBER 1995 – Seventeen years-old:

  • After missing out for most of my teen years, I would finally see a new Bond movie. Six years felt like a lifetime. My family and I were now living in South FL, but I was at that age when I didn’t think it was “cool” to hang out with my family. To this day, this remains the only Bond movie I didn’t see with them. I remember my Mom, the day after she saw it, in the car with me going on and on about how great it was. I think I went the following day to our local mall theater. Also the only time I’d see a Bond movie alone. I really loved Goldeneye and remember how thrilling it was to see my boyhood hero back on the big screen. A couple sitting in front of me talked nonstop. “That can’t happen!”, as 007 bikes off the mountain and free falls to catch the plane. “He hasn’t aged a day!”, as we learn 8 years have passed from the pre-title sequence to the opening scene after the credits. Shut up and enjoy the flick!

TOMORROW NEVER DIES, DECEMBER 1997 – Nineteen years-old:

  • I can honestly say I didn’t see Titanic until late January 1998. Sorry Leo, but the holiday season belonged to Bond. My family was joined by my aunt and cousin this time at our local mall theater, which was a Regal by now. I remember the theater having as many women, if not more, than guys. Pierce really packed the ladies in. I can’t remember which girl I was dating at the time, but I recall her not being interested in seeing TND. Total dealbreaker.

THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH, NOVEMBER 1999 – Twenty-one years-old:

  • Ahhh we are deep into my college years. I saw TWINE at a theatre nearby my college campus in Orlando. I was with my family as usual, but also my college buddy tagged along. To say he wasn’t a huge Bond fan is to say that he thought Goldeneye was based on the video game. He also decided to make a joke saying that “the best part of a James Bond movie isn’t the opening gunbarrel; it’s when the movie ends.” Yeah, that didn’t go over well. Interestingly enough this same friend and I did sneak into a 2nd showing over at the AMC Disney theater, where we dissected Pierce Brosnan’s long windup punch and Denise Richards’ assets.

DIE ANOTHER DAY, NOVEMBER 2002 – Twenty-four years-old:

  • Back in South FL. I recall seeing the 2nd showing of the day, but my family and I got there super early and we walked in while the staff was cleaning the theater and the end credits were rolling. My family and I gave each other a “WTF?!” look as we listened to Madonna’s bizarre, even-more-so techno version of the title song. Die Another Day was a true crowd-pleaser. The puns killed. I guess it took a couple of years to realize it wasn’t that good.

CASINO ROYALE, NOVEMBER 2006 – Twenty-eight years-old:

  • Yes, I was one of the “never Craig” fools. My family were too. By the end of the black & white pre-title sequence, we knew we were dead wrong. This was a great movie-going experience, once again in South FL. My aunt, the one who saw TND, joined us for Craig’s first.  The audience knew they were watching one of the best Bond movies ever. I saw it again a few weeks later with a buddy of mine who was more of a poker fan than a Bond fan, and that started my interest in playing poker. I saw it a 3rd time with my then girlfriend. I think CR might be the closest thing to a Bond movie for lovers. Twisted lovers, but still.

QUANTUM OF SOLACE, NOVEMBER 2008 – Thirty years-old:

  • My family came to visit me after I finished work in South FL, and we went to see Quantum. I remember being sick as a dog that day. I was pretty high on cough syrup, but I remember we liked it…but it wasn’t close to Casino Royale. I saw it a second time a few weeks later, all healthy this time, with a friend.

SKYFALL, NOVEMBER 2012 – Thirty-four years-old:

  • Hands down the best Bond movie-going experience, and one of the top 10 greatest movie-going experiences of my life. My family and I saw this in an IMAX theater in South FL. Sometimes it all comes together. That is what Skyfall did. I wasn’t alone in my thinking. As the packed theater gave a standing ovation, slowly got up and walked out after the 50 year anniversary Bond logo, I heard many of them state that this was the best Bond movie ever. I concur.

SPECTRE, NOVEMBER 2015 – Thirty-seven years-old:

  • IMAX theater once again, except this time in Orlando near Universal. My family and I came out really enjoying it, but we all said the same thing. IT WAS NO SKYFALL! Afterwards, while we ate sushi we had a long chat about Craig’s era. I can tell you the last scene of the movie did feel like the last time we would ever see him again as  Bond. Obviously, we were wrong. I saw it a second time with my then girlfriend. She hated Craig as Bond (she was a Brosnan girl) and kept calling the movie “Spencer” to get under my skin. I actually saw Spectre a third time a couple of months after it was first released. I really just wanted to see the pre-title sequence in Mexico and the fight on the train with Hinx. Once Bond and Swann end up at the Oberhauser/Blofeld lair, I left. Didn’t need to watch anymore of the “foster brothers” nonsense.

BOND 25, FEBRUARY 2020 (Valentine’s Day) – Forty-one years-old:

My family is already in. In fact, they are pissed off it has taken this long. Not sure we will go on V-Day.  So… Ladies???????????????????

 

 

 

 

 

Movie Review: TOMORROW NEVER DIES

After Pierce Brosnan’s first Bond movie (Goldeneye) was such a major hit, the budget and the expectations skyrocketed for his sophomore outing. What follows is an entertaining, by-the-numbers action movie that is the definition of a Brosnan-Bond flick. By 1997, it already felt like he had been Bond for over a decade. Being the “runner-up” for the role in 1986 probably helped with that feeling.

When the film was released in December of ’97, it went head-to-head with Titanic. While Tomorrow Never Dies did very well at the box-office, I don’t think I need to tell you which movie won the battle. Not to be completely outdone by that huge doomed ship, this Bond movie does offer its own sinking vessel.

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Bond’s coolest moment? I think it has to be “Hamburg Bond”; as he oozes cool, confident charm at the CMGN party. Out of the six Bond actors, Brosnan might be the best tuxedoed one. 

Bond’s most embarrassing moment? His love scene, in his hotel room, with Paris Carver comes across as something from a daytime soap opera. I’m surprised the camera lenses weren’t covered in petroleum jelly. Not sure I ever want to see Bond biting shoulders. 

Bond’s best line? Wai Lin: “Exactly what kind of banking do you specialize in, Mr. Bond? James Bond: “Hostile takeovers.”

Best acting performance? It’s Michelle Yeoh by default as Wai Lin. Teri Hatcher as Paris Carver is a kind of dull Tracy from OHMSS. And forget about Jonathan Pryce as Elliot *cough* (Rupert Murdoch) *cough* Carver. This villain is eating up so much scenery, I’m shocked he doesn’t have pieces of the set at the corners of his mouth.

Bond’s #MeToo #TimesUp moment? Not so much a “moment”, but I would have loved some backstory on how Bond ended up in bed with the young Danish professor.

Worst line in the movie? Carver on Bond possibly floating out to sea: “He’s my new anchor man.” He then proceeds to mock Wai Lin’s martial arts skills. Pathetic indeed. 

What I noticed for the first time after watching this for the 89th time? When Q and Bond are playing with his new car’s remote control/cell phone in the airplane hangar, there’s a worker checking it all out from an airplane. He’s going to have quite a story to tell his coworkers.  

Best action sequence? This movie certainly doesn’t lack action scenes. Plenty of solid ones to choose from. I’m going to go with the motorcycle chase, with Bond and Wai Lin handcuffed together. Runner-up is the pre-title sequence at the Arms Bazaar. Fun for the whole family.

Who or what is the title song about? Considering the opening line of the song is “Darling I’m killed. I’m in a puddle on the floor” I gather it’s one of the rare Bond songs written for all the dead girls from his past. 

Best looking cinematic moment? Every exterior shot in Hamburg. I want to stay at the Atlantic Hotel.

How could the villain have succeeded? Maybe I’m just not rich enough to understand, but Carver had to have spent a fortune on his sinking of the Devonshire, shooting down the Chinese MiGs, etc. Would starting a war between Great Britain and China really have made him any richer? Seems like a waste of time and money, all for 100 years broadcast rights in China. What I’m saying is… he should have waited a decade or two and created “fake news” instead.

Which other Bond actor could have starred in this movie? As stated before, this is a very “Pierce Brosnan as 007” vehicle. Although twenty years earlier, I could have easily seen Roger Moore in a Bond movie like this.

Does Bond ever think he might die? When Dr. Kaufman has the gun pointed at him he does seem nervous. Thank heavens for his Sony Ericsson cell phone. By the way, I want to know which celebrities Dr. Kaufman murdered and made it look like a suicide. 

What would have made the movie better? Swap Sheryl Crow’s mediocre title song with K.D. Lang’s slam-bang end credits song, which sounds like an ode to Shirley Bassey.

What’s in a name? James Bond the secret agent, pretends to be James Bond the banker. This works for about maybe two minutes. 

What’s in a title? Originally (more appropriately) titled “Tomorrow Never Lies”, Tomorrow Never Dies is the first Bond movie title to not have any connection to Ian Fleming at all. As for the two previous films, “Licence To Kill” is phrase from past novels, and “Goldeneye” was the name of Fleming’s Jamaica home.

Drinking game: Take a shot of Smirnoff vodka any time someone mentions “GPS”. 

“WTF?!” moment: Wai Lin walking the wall after using her wire wrist piton gadget. Bond stops for a good three seconds to watch her, while Carver’s security guards shoot at him. Keep moving James!

Fun fact: A young Gerald Butler plays one of the Devonshire crew. 

Overall ranking: 17 out of 24. 

Review synopsis: It has every element you want in a Bond movie. Terrific action set pieces, two Bond girls, interesting locations, a bleached blonde henchman, and a villain with an over-the-top plan. Yet, Tomorrow Never Dies doesn’t fully live up to the expectations. It’s no Goldeneye. Sometimes it wants to be a serious movie, then it wants to camp it up. In the end, it’s an entertaining chapter in the franchise, that moves at such a brisk pace that the average fan may not remember it ten minutes later.

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The Lost Bond Films of 1991 and 1993

If you are a 21st century fan of the Bond series, then long gaps in between films is nothing new for you. Four years between Die Another Day and Casino Royale. Four years between Quantum of Solace and Skyfall. Three years between Skyfall and Spectre, and now five years until the 25th Bond flick is released in 2020. As a child of the 80s, I took for granted the fact that every other year a new 007 adventure would be released. We had five new Bond movies during that decade. By comparison, the Daniel Craig era will end with five films in the span of nearly 15 years!

When discussing a barren time during the franchise, no gap beats the seemingly interminable space between 1989’s Licence to Kill and 1995’s Goldeneye. Or in other words, the lost years of the Bond franchise. The movie-going public missed out on Timothy Dalton’s third outing in 1991 and his potential fourth film in 1993. Dalton never did quite catch on with fans of that time. He was Daniel Craig twenty years too early. The Living Daylights did well at the box office, but his second movie LTK was crushed in the Summer of ’89. Going up against Indiana Jones, Batman, Lethal Weapon, and the Ghostbusters was a tough task. Combine the worst box office numbers in franchise history, with legal issues between EON Productions and MGM, and you have a good understanding as to why we didn’t see 007 again until Pierce Brosnan in Goldeneye.

Despite all of this, Dalton’s 3rd movie was set for pre-production in early 1990 with a release date set for Summer 1991. Here’s a look at some of the official details from the script treatment:

The pre-title sequence was set in a chemical weapons laboratory in Scotland, and it involved technicians performing tests with robotic devices. One of the robots goes berserk and the building explodes. The main villain of the story is Sir Henry Lee Ching, described as ‘a brilliant and handsome thirty year old British-Chinese entrepreneur’, who is passionate about science, but doesn’t care much for mankind. Sir Henry planned to unleash a computer virus that would paralyze every military and commercial unit in the world. And of course, only one man can stop him. The climax saw Bond and Sir Henry fighting to the death, with 007 turning a welding torch in the villain’s face. 

Taking a time machine back to 1990/1991, and knowing the plot and characters, I’m going to play producer and casting director:

TITLE: Property of a Lady (1991)

TITLE SONG: “Property of a Lady” by Lisa Stansfield

LOCATIONS: Scotland, London, Tokyo, Hong Kong

SCREENWRITERS: Alfonse M. Ruggiero Jr., Michael Wilson, John Landis

DIRECTOR: Michael Caton-Jones

Main Cast and Characters
Timothy Dalton as James Bond British Secret Agent, 007
John Lone as Sir Henry Lee Ching Microchip Entrepreneur, Bond Villain
Lauren Holly as Connie Webb Ex-jewel thief, Bond Girl #1
Oliver Reed as Denholm Crisp MI6 Agent stationed in Hong Kong, Bond Mentor
Yuji Okumoto as Rodin Ching’s Assassin, Bond Henchman
Desmond Llewelyn as Q MI6 Quartermaster
Robert Brown as M MI6 Section Chief
Joan Chen as Mi Wai Chinese Intelligence Officer, Bond Girl #2
Caroline Bliss as Moneypenny M’s Secretary

Whether an action movie that sounds like a cross between Short Circuit and Double Impact would have made for a good Bond flick, who knows?! But I’m content with my casting choices.

Here is the official poster for the movie. It was hanging at the Carlton Hotel in Cannes, France during the 1990 film festival.

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So in my alternate Bond universe, where production is running smoothly and Dalton is ready to film his fourth (and probably final) turn as the world’s most famous secret agent, what would have been his next movie? This is where Goldeneye comes in. This is also where I come in to play producer/casting director again.

  • Michael France is hired to pen the new Bond adventure. Richard Smith is also brought on to help the plot.
  • France’s script is titled “Goldeneye”.
  • It has many elements of an Arnold Schwarzenegger action movie in pre-production called “True Lies”. That movie is set for release in Summer 1994, while this Bond film is set for Summer 1993.

TITLE: Goldeneye (1993)

LOCATIONS: French countryside (pre-title sequence), London, St. Petersburg, Cuba/Puerto Rico

SCREENWRITERS: Michael France, Richard Smith

DIRECTOR: Russell Mulcahy

 

MAIN CAST OF CHARACTERS:

Timothy Dalton as James Bond 007

Anthony Hopkins as Alec Trevelyan, the main villain. Older agent. 006. Former mentor to Bond. Plans to start a war between England and Russia.

Paulina Porizkova as Marina, Bond Girl #1. Computer technician.

Eva Herzigova as Xenia Labyakova. Henchwoman for Trevelyan. Bond Girl #2

John Rhys-Davies as General Pushkin. Russian General, longtime Bond ally.

Elya Baskin as Alexei. Ally of Marina, who double crosses her to help Trevelyan and Xenia.

Desmond Llewelyn as Q

Robert Brown as M

Caroline Bliss as Moneypenny

 

Dalton never got his 1991 movie or his 1993 movie. What did he have to say about the situation?

Dalton explained: “When [the next movie] did come about, it was probably four or five years later.

“[Broccoli] asked if I would come back, and I said, ‘Well, I’ve actually changed my mind a little bit. I think that I’d love to do one.

“‘Try and take the best of the two that I have done, and consolidate them into a third.’”

Dalton continued: “And he said, quite rightly, ‘Look, Tim. You can’t do one. There’s no way, after a five-year gap between movies that you can come back and just do one. You’d have to plan on four or five.’

“And I thought, ‘Oh, no, that would be the rest of my life. Too much. Too long.’ So I respectfully declined.”

My take on all of this? As much as I would have loved to seen my cast in the original Goldeneye script… I’m glad everything worked out the way it did. Goldeneye starring Pierce Brosnan is one of my favorites. But it does go to show you that the alternate Bond universe is just as interesting as reality.

Movie Review: FOR YOUR EYES ONLY

Moonraker was literally out of this world for the Bond franchise, so when 1981’s For Your Eyes Only was released it came as no surprise that this story would be more grounded. Roger Moore’s fifth turn as 007 had a lot more in common with early Connery-Bond, than it did with his own first four flicks. That isn’t to say that FYEO doesn’t engage in the usual Moore hi-jinx… we will talk about the parrot later.

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My FYEO Notes:

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Bond’s coolest moment? In typical “Roger Moore is James Bond” fashion, even when in danger he stays as cool as a cucumber. Case in point, when being chased by baddies he still makes time to look out of the car window and give them a double-take/nod.

Bond’s most embarrassing moment? Getting sexually harassed by the teen figure skater. Just how old is Bibi Dahl (yes, I know, that name!) supposed to be exactly?

Bond’s best line? “Yes. Well, you get your clothes on… and I’ll buy you an ice cream.” When Bibi tells him she isn’t a virgin.

Best acting performance? Topol! Topol is absolutely killing it here. Columbo is the most interesting character in the entire film. This might include James. 

Bond’s #MeToo #TimesUp moment? Shockingly enough, there isn’t one. He treats Melina with respect. Has some feelings for Lisl. Bond gets the reverse treatment from Bibi Dahl though, as stated above under embarrassing moment.

Worst line in the movie? Without a doubt it’s “I’ll buy you a delicatessen! In stainless steel!” from Blofeld in the pre-title sequence.

What I noticed for the first time after watching this for the 97th time? One of Gonzalez’s henchmen is the same stunt actor who James Brolin had his Octopussy fight audition with. 

Best action sequence? Willy Bogner and his crew did some fantastic work with the skiing scenes. For me, it’s the only time Bill Conti’s score really comes alive. 

Who or what is the title song about? Sheena Easton (who is the only Bond singer ever to be shown during the song/credits) sings about how much she loves James and how she is all his. 

Best looking cinematic moment? Like I mentioned earlier, the skiing scenes in Cortina are beautiful. It’s got a “Bond goes to the Winter Olympics” feel. 

How could the villain have succeeded? Kristatos, aside from being one of the dullest Bond villains ever, ruins a cool way to kill Bond/Melina. Dragging them across the ocean bit is sinister, but he easily assumes they have either drowned or that the sharks have quickly eaten them up. 

Which other Bond actor could have starred in this movie? There was some serious thought that Roger Moore wouldn’t return. Timothy Dalton’s name was mentioned as a possible replacement. There are elements of this film that suit his Bond quite well.

Does Bond ever think he might die? I don’t know if the character does, but Roger Moore certainly does when he is climbing that mountain in Greece at the end. Tom Cruise he is not. 

What would have made the movie better? Making Columbo the real villain since he is actually interesting. Dropping the whole Bibi Dahl subplot. 

What’s in a name? James Bond keeps his name when he tells Lisl (played by Cassandra Harris, the late wife of Pierce Brosnan) that he is a writer researching Greek smugglers for his next novel. 

What’s in a title? “For Your Eyes Only” comes from an Ian Fleming short story. 

Drinking game: Take a shot of Ouzo every time Max (the parrot) speaks.

“WTF?!” moment: The Columbo-Kristatos fight at the climax of FYEO has aggressively bad film editing continuity.

Fun fact: Just in case Moore didn’t return, the opening at the graveyard of Bond’s wife Tracy was to establish that this character has always been the same man. Codename theorists begone! 

Overall ranking: 16th out of 24.

Review synopsis: For Your Eyes Only has some terrific action set pieces, and an espionage tale worthy of classic Fleming. The tonal shifts are the biggest issue. This is the least campy of the Roger Moore era, yet we still have to deal with Bibi and Max and a Margaret Thatcher impersonator! However, it is a nice film-palette cleanser sandwiched between Moonraker and Octopussy.

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When James Bond Comes Back Down To Earth

Even during a successful six decade run, the Bond producers have had to get a hold of reality every now and then. Sometimes you just need to get back to the basics. In fact, it’s happened on four different occasions. A villain’s diabolical plan too outlandish, gadgets beyond unrealistic, and humorous scenes turning into full-on camp.

These were the times when 007 needed to “get down to earth.”

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ON HER MAJESTY’S SECRET SERVICE (1969) – After 1967’s You Only Live Twice, the Bond team didn’t just need a new lead actor… they needed a new direction. YOLT gave us a helicopter picking up a car with a giant magnet, a hollowed-out volcano for the villain’s lair, and insane ninjas. OHMSS was the first time Bond needed a bit of a reset. The film was more serious, stuck to the core of Ian Fleming’s novel, hardly had any gadgets, and the action sequences were more brutal and realistic. This new Bond style didn’t last long, since Diamonds Are Forever ushered in the wacky James Bond 1970s.

 

FOR YOUR EYES ONLY (1981) – The title of this article is “when James Bond comes back down to earth.” Now I mean it literally. In the Summer of 1979, James Bond went into space. That happened. For Cubby Broccoli, Moonraker was a Bond too far. FYEO is probably the most serious Roger Moore as 007 movie you could ever get. It’s more of a throwback to the gritty style of From Russia With Love.

 

THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS (1987) – How do you go from 12 years of Roger Moore camp to Timothy Dalton’s no-nonsense edge? It wasn’t an easy transition after 1985’s bonkers A View To A Kill. Pierce Brosnan was originally the first choice to replace Moore and it made sense. Pierce’s Bond is just a less lighthearted version of Roger’s. When Brosnan couldn’t get out of his NBC contract, Dalton stepped in. TLD and Dalton were the beta-test for Casino Royale and Daniel Craig nearly 20 years later.

 

CASINO ROYALE (2006) – Speaking of which… Die Another Day gave us surfing, DNA switching, kite-surfing tsunamis, an invisible car, and some of the worst puns in film history. DAD is the mother of all eye rolls when it comes to the Bond franchise. Thankfully, four years later we got a grounded Bond flick and it was fantastic. Going from Brosnan to Craig, Die Another Day to Casino Royale, is the most shocking transition in franchise history.

 

With Craig playing Bond for probably the 5th and final time in 2019 or 2020, and since his replacement will either be an actor similar to his style or an actor closer to Brosnan/Moore, James Bond won’t have a need to return down to earth for quite some time.

 

Sean Connery is James Bond in “One Last Time”

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Whenever I watch one of my favorite action movies ever, 1996’s The Rock starring Sean Connery, I can’t help but think of him as a 65 year-old version of James Bond. In fact in The Rock, James Bond and John Mason have a lot in common.

  • Both British spies, trained by the SAS.
  • Both Bond and Mason are skilled at using firearms and engaging in hand-to-hand combat.
  • Both have a dark sense of humor.

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For what it’s worth, Connery as Mason or a much older Bond, still makes quite a dashing figure when he is all cleaned up in the San Francisco hotel scene. Connery played an “older” Bond in the official 007 flick Never Say Never Again in 1983. NSNA is just a remake of Thunderball, since that’s the only story producer Kevin McClory was allowed to make. McClory and Connery almost teamed up in the mid-70s for a non-official Bond movie called Warhead. So it’s no surprise that in the late 90s, McClory wanted to remake Thunderball/Never Say Never Again (again). Holy redundancies!

The Rock did very well at the box-office in the Summer of 1996, with Connery showing he could still kick ass as a senior citizen. Was it a coincidence that in the Fall of 1997, McClory and Sony officially announced that they would remake Thunderball and call it Warhead 2000? They intended for the film to be released in 1999 as a rival picture vs the official Bond movie The World Is Not Enough. Think of 1983’s battle between Octopussy and Never Say Never Again. Instead of Sean Connery vs Roger Moore, this time it would be either Liam Neeson or Timothy Dalton vs Pierce Brosnan. The project was officially scrapped since the rightful owners of the real Bond franchise (EON and MGM) sued McClory.

Forget Neeson or Dalton in Warhead 2000. How about Sean Connery as James Bond 007 in One Last Time. My cheesy title would have given Never Say Never Again a run for its money. Connery would have been almost 70, but he still looked somewhat up for the challenge in the movie Entrapment in 1999. I guess The Rock’s John Mason is the closest we ever got to seeing Sean Connery as 007 again. Well, I did my best…