James Bond Battle Royale

Six Bonds enter the train dining cart…only one Bond left standing.

The fighters: (all as James Bond) Sean Connery, George Lazenby, Roger Moore, Timothy Dalton, Pierce Brosnan, Daniel Craig.

The location: inside the dining cart of a moving train; the most used Bond fight location.

The rules: hand-to-hand combat, no weapons allowed (aside from what is inside the train), every Bond for themselves.

Image result for james bond fightingImage result for james bond fightingImage result for james bond fighting sean connery

Image result for james bond fighting pierce brosnanImage result for james bond fighting george lazenbyImage result for james bond fighting timothy dalton

 

Before we see this battle royale, let’s take a closer look at each fighter and their respective styles.

SEAN CONNERY – Lean, mean and moves smoothly for a tall man. Early Connery is in great shape for that era. A swimmer’s body. His fighting style is ruthless, but still with a touch of class to it. He will be the thinking man’s fighter on the train.

 

GEORGE LAZENBY – His Bond fighting style was “bad ass.” In real life, George got the gig because he tested so well in the audition fight scenes. He actually broke the nose of the stunt man he tangled with. Just like Connery, in really good shape for that time. He will definitely take risks during the upcoming battle.

 

ROGER MOORE – All there is to say about Moore’s Bond fighting style is “judo chop!” Tall, in so-so shape, not much of a killer instinct in his scuffles. His charming personality won’t help him much on the train.

 

TIMOTHY DALTON – Think of him as Craig 1.0, but his fighting skills don’t necessarily match his no nonsense attitude. His face looks intimidating, but the rest of him not so much. His reputation will have to save him during the fight on the train.

 

PIERCE BROSNAN – If Dalton was Craig 1.0, Pierce was certainly Roger Moore 2.0 when it comes to ruthlessness. Brosnan has a few decent fights during his Bond tenure, but as the skinniest Bond he will have a lot to prove in the train Battle Royale.

 

DANIEL CRAIG – The bloody (literally), slightly insane Bond. Craig’s fighting style is similar to what we saw with the Bourne franchise. Craig’s Bond is in tip-top shape, but he is easily the shortest of the six men. But he is the scrappiest.

 

The train dining cart is empty, aside from the fully stocked bar and the tables. Our six Bonds are alone and sizing one another up. Brosnan and Moore are the easy targets and Lazenby and Dalton don’t hesitate to mix it up. Craig and Connery don’t engage just yet. Moore puts up a surprisingly good fight against Dalton, while Brosnan is having trouble with the much rougher Lazenby.

Connery jumps in against Moore, as the two actors who made the most 007 movies tangle. Connery dispatches Moore with the help of champagne bottle and a chair. He tosses Moore out of the window of the speeding train. Even at the end, Moore looks smashing. Lazenby finishes off Brosnan, who is grunting and sticking out his chin, with such a wild haymaker that it knocks Pierce out cold.

Connery turns his attention to Dalton and roughs him up badly. Craig and Lazenby engage in a frenetic brawl, but George’s old-fashioned brawler ways are no match for Daniel’s “whatever it takes” attitude. Brosnan awakens only to be bashed over the head with a whiskey bottle by Lazenby, and then Craig jams a butterknife into Brosnan’s neck and waits for him to bleed out, and he turns his attention back to Lazenby.

Connery strangles Dalton after delivering a beatdown that leaves Tim as bruised as he looked after he fought Sanchez in Licence To Kill. Craig chokes-out Lazenby with a long bar dishrag. Now we are down to the final two. Connery vs Craig. Sean uses his size advantage with his arm reach. Daniel hunkers down and uses his scrappy fighting style. Bottles, tables, chairs are all used during this confrontation. Connery thinks he has the upper hand as he stomps down on Craig, but Craig grabs a hold of Connery’s leg and flips him. Craig then tries to get Connery in a sleeper hold the same way he did to that Ugandan in Casino Royale. Connery does his best to shake Craig off, but after a long fight it’s no use. Connery loses this train fight.

Five Bonds dispatched. Craig’s Bond, a bloody mess as always, drinks a bottle of vodka at the bar while looking at himself in the mirror.

Image result for daniel craig casino royale mirror

Is There a James Bond Movie Timeline?

The quick answer to this headline is NO.

Ever since I was a kid, I’ve watched Bond movies with the idea that these are just random missions, and events, in the life of one man. Think of James Bond like The Simpsons. The characters never grow drastically old, even if times change. If you try your hardest at creating a Bond universe timeline, you will end up with a massive headache and a nosebleed. With that in mind, I’ll give it a shot. The most important factor in all of this is YOU MUST throwout the silly notion that “James Bond” is a codename. There are a handful of times when his dead wife is mentioned, and thanks to the Craig films we know all about his childhood.

James Bond does have a codename. It’s 007.

Image result for james bond actors

MY BOND MOVIE TIMELINE:

  1. Casino Royale – aka Bond Begins
  2. Quantum of Solace – a direct sequel to Casino Royale
  3. Dr. No 
  4. From Russia With Love – Spectre wants payback for Dr. No’s death
  5. Goldfinger
  6. Thunderball 
  7. You Only Live Twice 
  8. On Her Majesty’s Secret Service – Bond still on the hunt for Blofeld/Spectre
  9. Diamonds Are Forever – very brief act of revenge for the death of Bond’s wife
  10. Live And Let Die 
  11. The Man With The Golden Gun – the return of Sheriff J.W. Pepper
  12. The Spy Who Loved Me
  13. Moonraker – Jaws reappears
  14. For Your Eyes Only – we see the grave of Tracy (Bond’s wife)
  15. Octopussy 
  16. A View To A Kill
  17. The Living Daylights
  18. Licence To Kill 
  19. Goldeneye
  20. Tomorrow Never Dies 
  21. The World Is Not Enough
  22. Die Another Day – we see many of the gadgets used in past films
  23. Skyfall – we see a weary Bond, sick of his job
  24. Spectre – a sequel to Skyfall… but completely ruins this timeline

Image result for james bond actors gif

My timeline needs to be taken with a grain of salt. How does Judi Dench go from being Pierce Brosnan’s boss, all the way back to being young Daniel Craig’s boss? And of course, the film Spectre throws everything out the window with the ridiculous notion that Casino, Quantum, Skyfall are all connected. Oh and Bond and Blofeld are foster brothers?!

The only other film franchise with a more convoluted timeline is X-MEN.

Movie Review: GOLDFINGER

It doesn’t matter how old you are, or whether or not you have seen the movie from beginning to end. When someone says Goldfinger, you know it. The song, the painted girl, the gadgets, the title villain himself, the laser scene, Pussy Galore, Oddjob, etc.

Dr. No and From Russia With Love were the first two films in the Bond franchise, but Goldfinger was the first one to set the tone for the entire series for decades to come.

GOLDFINGER NOTES:

  • Not sure James needs the seagull on his head in the opening scene.
  • This is the first movie where Connery needed a hairpiece. And it shows. The top of his hair looks almost strawberry blonde.
  • Very cool editing having Bond look at his watch, light his cigarette, and have the bombs goes off all at once.
  • The “shocking, positively shocking” scene still holds up today, although I’m not sure that lamp was plugged in when Bond smacked it into the bathtub.
  • The combo of John Barry’s score with Shirley Bassey’s title song is dynamic 1-2 punch that is tough to beat.
  • I’m not a fan of the title sequence showing upcoming clips from the movie. Also, why slip in the helicopter scene from the last flick, From Russia With Love?
  • If there were ever a thing as “Bond goes on Spring Break” the scenes in Miami would be it.
  • Bond slapping his Miami girl’s ass, as he tells her to scoot off so he and his buddy Felix can have some “man talk”, is just one example that makes this the most misogynistic Bond movie. Or as some might call it… “a simpler time.”
  • Only Sean Connery could make a baby blue Terry cloth romper look cool.
  • Even though she is only in the movie for a few minutes, Jill Masterson (played by Shirley Eaton) makes a lasting impression.
  • How long did it take for her to be covered in gold paint? How long was Bond knocked out for? She suffocated from being covered in gold paint? Are we sure Oddjob didn’t karate-chop her?
  • 007 is really bad at his job in this film. His unnecessary meddling gets Masterson killed, her sister too eventually, and he presents himself as a target for Goldfinger.
  • Bond is at his snobby best when drinking Brandy.
  • This movie gives us our first ever Q branch scene. We get to see the legendary Aston Martin DB5 with all the bells and whistles. Q truly hates Bond in this scene.
  • Having GPS in a car must have blown the minds of 1964 audiences.
  • Goldfinger (played by Gert Frobe) is so badly dubbed throughout this.
  • The golf scene does nothing to change my belief that this sport is dull.
  • Don’t you think on Halloween caddies should dress up like Oddjob?
  • Bond’s caddie looks like someone out of Darby O’Gill and the Little People. Ironically, also starring Sean Connery.
  • Some similarities between the golf scene and the backgammon scene from Octopussy.
  • So let me get this straight: Goldfinger is obsessed with covering things in gold, he cheats, he lies, he’s overweight, he has a weird orange complexion…
  • Even though the clothes are from 1964, this might be the best dressed Bond has ever been. At the very least, he looks like he would fit in on Mad Men.
  • Oddjob’s hat baffles me. I know it has an iron rim. It can completely decapitate a statue, but not a human.
  • Bond does a lot of detective work in this movie, which I enjoy.
  • Oddjob speaks like a 16 month-old toddler.
  • In the novel, Pussy Galore is a lesbian. In this film, it’s only implied.
  • One of the rare times we see James with a 5 o’clock shadow. Also rare we get to see his handwriting.
  • Can we get a shared universe or crossover between “Pussy Galore’s Flying Circus” and “Octopussy’s Circus”?
  • James Bond in Kentucky is something you may never see again. And yes, you can see them drive past a KFC.
  • The mobsters cast in the film are from stereotype theater.
  • Goldfinger’s plan has a lot in common with Zorin’s plan in A View To A Kill. Replace gold with microchips, and a dirty bomb with an earthquake.
  • For those of you wondering what would have happened if Goldfinger’s plan had worked, Fort Knox’s gold would stop being radioactive in 2022. Only 4 years to go!
  • Pussy Galore has man-hands.
  • Connery saying “poo-say” is a delight.
  • I’ve never drank a Mint Julep. They look disgusting.
  • The car crushing scene sure does drag on.
  • The soldiers playing dead always cracks me up.
  • Goldfinger dressed up as an American General is pretty bonkers. The other soldiers can’t tell from his thick German accent? Do most military men carry a solid gold revolver?
  • Is Goldfinger’s death, being sucked out of an airplane window, the most embarrassing next to Kananga inflating and exploding in Live And Let Die?
  • Two gaffs really bother. The bomb defused at 007 seconds, while Bond says it was stopped with only three seconds to go. And there is clearly a man behind Goldfinger on the plane at the end of the movie. Where did he go?

Image result for goldfinger

 

Bond’s coolest moment? Slipping out of his scuba wetsuit to reveal his white tux.

Bond’s most embarrassing moment? Flirting with the guard to get him to come into his cell and escape.

Bond’s best line?Manners, Oddjob. I thought you always took your hat off to a lady.”

Best acting performance? Honor Blackman as Pussy Galore ranks up there with the best Bond girls.

Bond’s most “sexual predator” moment? Bond forcing himself on Pussy Galore is the all-time answer to this question. All it takes is that barn scene for her to renounce her lesbianism.

Worst line in the movie? Bond being an old fuddy-duddy with his diss of the Beatles.

What I noticed for the first time after watching this for the 150th time? Pussy Galore’s co-pilot is reading a magazine while the plane is in flight.

Best action sequence? The car chase at night at Goldfinger’s plant.

Who or what is the title song about? It’s about the main villain and how James better watch out.

Best looking cinematic moment? The hilltop road scene in Geneva.

How could the villain have succeeded? By splitting Bond in half with his laser. Instead, he fell for Bond’s “Operation Grand Slam” bluff.

Which other Bond actor could have starred in this movie? This is prime Connery. Just like with Moore in The Spy Who Loved Me and Craig in Skyfall, the third time is the charm.

Does Bond ever think he might die? During the famous laser table scene. Without the words “Operation Grand Slam” he would have been killed.

What would have made the movie better? Cut the length of the golf scene and the car crushing scene. And keep in Bond’s original reply when Pussy Galore tells him her name. “I know, but what’s your name?”

What’s in a name? No alias for James in this one. And he could have used one.

What’s in a title? Goldfinger is not only the name of the villain, but it’s also the title of the novel by Bond author/creator Ian Fleming.

Drinking game: Take a sip of your Mint Julep each time “Goldfinger” is said.

“WTF?!” moment: The gun-totting grandma!

Fun fact: This is the only Sean Connery – James Bond movie without the evil organization Spectre behind the villain’s plan.

Overall ranking: 7th out of 24 movies.

Review synopsis: Despite looking very dated in our #MeToo #TimesUp era, Goldfinger remains as fun a Bond movie ever made. There’s a reason why most people consider it the best. I find it slightly overrated, but you can’t go wrong with all the elements involved. This was the start of the Bond phenomenon and it’s easy to see why.

Image result for goldfinger gif

 

 

Does James Bond Suffer From CTE?

We all know James Bond lives a dangerous lifestyle. From all the smoking, the drinking, the unprotected sex, and avoiding murder just about everyday, it truly is “death for breakfast” for 007.  But there’s one part of Bond that we don’t focus enough on. His mind.

I’m not even going into the psychological scarring that he has endured his entire life (death of parents at a young age, the hundreds and hundreds of people he has murdered, sex with May Day, etc.). I’m talking about all the blows to his head (raises a Roger Moore eyebrow) he has suffered in 24 films over the last 55 years.

Football players aren’t the only ones who should be weary of CTE. Bond’s employers over at MI6 better make sure he has a CAT scan from a neurologist. Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy (CTE) is a progressive degenerative disease of the brain found in people with a history of repetitive brain trauma. It’s the dire condition that Will Smith tried to explained to NFL fans in the film Concussion.

It’s extremely dangerous for a human being to lose consciousness for long periods. In this case study, I won’t even count how many times 007 has passed out from poisonous gas, or a dart or a drink. Strictly sticking to blunt force trauma to the head and neck region.

From Russia With Love: Bond is knocked out for nearly a full minute after being hit on the back of the head by Grant’s gun.

Goldfinger: Bond takes a karate chop to the back of the neck from Oddjob, while checking the fridge for champagne, but after he insults the Beatles’ music. Bond is out for a damn long time. Long enough for his new girlfriend, Jill, to be covered head to toe in gold paint.

You Only Live Twice: Knocked out cold by a Kobe docks worker, with what appears to be a wrench or solid piece of wood. James doesn’t wake up until Helga Brandt slaps him around.

On Her Majesty’s Secret Service: Bond is trying to have sex with just about every girl at the Swiss health clinic, but unfortunately ends up lifting the sheets up to find the frightening Irma Bunt. He’s then hit over the head by an unseen thug, has some weird LSD-type of visions, and is finally awake to hear Blofeld wish his a Merry Christmas.

Diamonds Are Forever: While retrieving money for diamonds at a funeral home, Bond is hit on the back of the head with an urn by Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd. It takes being nearly burned alive in a coffin for Bond to wake up.

Live And Let Die: Tee-Hee uses his metal wrist/claw to strike the back of Bond’s neck. Bond is out long enough to be dragged into a car, headed for a gator farm.

The Man With The Golden Gun: Bond takes a blow to the back of the head from Nick Nack’s toy-looking trident.

Image result for the man with the golden gun gif

Moonraker: Bond is making out with Holly Goodhead on the grass, when faux orderlies spoil the moment with a club to the back of the neck.

For Your Eyes Only: Even when it’s the good guys, James still takes a beating. On the beach, kneeling over yet another dead lover, 007 gets hit on the back of the neck with a harpoon gun by one of Columbo’s men.

Octopussy: The henchman Gobinda karate chops Bond inside his beautiful Indian hotel.

A View To A Kill: Another gun to the back of the head deal. Bond only wakes up as the car he’s in is about to sink to the bottom of a lake.

Licence To Kill: A double whammy here. First knocked out by ninjas and then right after, an explosion causes debris to fall on Bond’s head. He wakes up to the most bizarre statue ever.

Image result for licence to kill fish

Spectre: After taking a club to the knee, Bond gets hit on the back of the head after listening to Waltz’ Blofeld give a little speech.

  • Connery and Moore definitely took the most blows to the noggin. Brosnan does suffer some unconscious moments, but not due to head trauma. Craig is too busy being a bloody mess to worry about his neck and head.
  • So does the world’s greatest secret agent suffer from CTE?

The symptoms include:

memory loss

Image result for james bond who are you

confusion 

Image result for james bond moonraker gif

impaired judgment 

Image result for james bond skyfall scorpion

impulse control problems

Image result for james bond drinking

aggression

depression

Image result for james bond sad

anxiety

Image result for james bond thunderball gif

suicidal tendencies 

Image result for the living daylights james bond drugged

 

 

Movie Review: THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH

It’s the last Bond picture of the 20th century, so the producers made sure that The World Is Not Enough would feel like it was in a time capsule, to be neatly stored away and unearthed decades later. This is Brosnan’s third turn as the secret agent, and while the movie doesn’t match up to previous classic third outings (Connery’s Goldfinger, Moore’s The Spy Who Loved Me), there is a very fine film hiding somewhere during this 125 minute feature.

Image result for the world is not enough

TWINE Notes:

  • While Goldeneye is Brosnan’s best Bond flick, TWINE gives us Brosnan’s best acting performance as James Bond.
  • There are a few similarities between TWINE and Skyfall: MI6 explodes, Scotland used as a hideout, M in the crosshairs of the villain’s plot, Bond hurt and needing medical clearance.
  • James Bond wearing eyeglasses (even if it’s all a ruse), looks odd to me.
  • Just how long are those blind strings in that Spanish office?! Where’s Bond’s Goldeneye belt when he needs it?!
  • The Clinton/Lewinsky cigar joke still gives me a chuckle, and makes me nostalgic for the late 90s.
  • This is easily the longest pre-title sequence in the history of the franchise. Even if it feels like it takes forever, I think it’s one of the best overall PTS.
  • Bond hijacks Q’s retirement fishing boat. I’d pay good money to have seen Q try to operate it.
  • Love the tie-straightening under water. It’s a classic Moore/Brosnan move.
  • Bond chasing the “cigar girl” assassin from the Thames to a hot air balloon is the icing on the action cake for this opening.
  • I do enjoy a hurt Bond. A broken collarbone is no joke.
  • The title song by Garbage is above-average. The choice of the band is so late-90s alternative rock, that it goes back to my time capsule theory.
  • I kind of dig the title credits, with the oil-soaked lady silhouettes.
  • Sophie Marceau is one of the best actresses in the entire series. But how do we define her character Elektra King? Is she a Bond girl? Villainess? For that matter, is Robert Carlyle’s Renard the main villain or just Elektra’s henchman? Dr. Christmas Jones (Denise Richards) is certainly the Bond girl of the movie…yeah, we will get to that later.
  • Bond having sex with his doctor (her name is Molly Warmflash!) in order to get medical clearance is something we would have seen Connery or Moore do.
  • The final scene of Desmond Llewelyn as Q is ruined by the unnecessary lines of “two things” he always taught Bond. In all his years and scenes with Bond, he never told him to “never let them see you bleed” nor “always have an escape plan.”
  • I wonder how practical that avalanche-proof ski jacket really is.
  • Azerbaijan has to be the oddest location to shoot a Bond film.
  • Renard has a bullet in his head that is slowly killing him. He grows stronger by the day and can’t feel pain. He needs more scars and bruises.
  • James Bond has gone skiing five times in the film series. TWINE is the worst one of the five. It’s rather dull and lifeless.
  • This is the first time we get to see Bond’s Universal Exports employee ID.
  • Is Denise Richards the worst Bond girl ever? No. It’s Tanya Roberts in A View To A Kill. But it’s close. It’s not really her fault. Making her a nuclear physicist, who dresses like Lara Croft, is laughable. She was 28 during the filming, and next to a mature 46 year-old Brosnan, she looks barely 18.
  • I love caviar, but I still get grossed out watching Robbie Coltrane’s Valentin Zukovsky nearly drowning in it.
  • This film suffers from too many twists that we see coming a mile away, and a plot that an audience really doesn’t care about. Was the monopoly of oil pipelines really a major topic in the late 90s?
  • Having just said that, when Bond and Christmas are in the pipeline, that does look like a fun theme park ride.
  • Speaking of a fun ride, how about that sex/choke chair at Elektra’s place in Istanbul?
  • Bond cold-bloodedly shooting, killing Elektra was a rare Fleming-type of moment for Brosnan’s Bond.
  • The submarine fight between Bond and Renard does not rank up there with the best, but the sub crashing into the ocean floor was a nice touch.
  • Yes, the last line is groan-worthy. But when you have a Bond actor like Brosnan (channeling his inner-Roger Moore) and you have a Bond girl named Christmas… this is what we get. And frankly, what we deserve.

Bond’s coolest moment? The opening scene in the banker’s office in Spain. Calm, confident, and dangerous.

Bond’s most embarrassing moment? Carrying a bag full of sneakers.

Bond’s best line?I see you like to put your money where your mouth is.” – Pointing to the gold teeth of Mr. Bullion.

Best acting performance? Brosnan, Carlyle, and of course Judi Dench, all give solid performances, but Sophie Marceau is so good as Elektra that she makes Richards’ Christmas look even worse.

Bond’s most “sexual predator” moment? Bond playing peeping Tom inside the casino with the x-ray sunglasses. He might as well have been drooling.

Worst line in the movie? When Bond asks Christmas if she can operate the machine inside the pipeline she replies with “It doesn’t taking a degree in nuclear physics.” I always feel like Bond could have replied with “Oh so you can then.”

What I noticed for the first time after watching this for the 84th time? In the MI6 Scotland hideaway, there’s a portrait of former M actor Bernard Lee.

Best action sequence? The caviar warehouse scene. It helps to have David Arnold as composer.

Who or what is the title song about? I want to say this is sung from Elektra’s point of view. Almost as if she is seducing Bond.

Best looking cinematic moment? As boring as the ski chase is, I’m a sucker for some snow cinematography. One shot in particular looks straight out of On Her Majesty’s Secret Service.

How could the villain have succeeded? Not let her grudge against her father and M get in her way of controlling the oil company.

Which other Bond actor could have starred in this movie? With it’s shifting tone from serious drama to campy action flick, Brosnan is the best Bond actor to handle this type of screenplay.

Does Bond ever think he might die? A couple of times. When he is about to get shot in the Spanish office, and of course when Elektra has him strapped to the sex/choke chair. One last screw indeed.

What would have made the movie better? Casting a better actress than Denise Richards. I hate to keep picking on her. She’s beautiful and I think she is doing the best she can. But she sticks out like a sore thumb.

What’s in a name? Bond pretends to be an atomic scientist named Dr. Arkov.

What’s in a title? The World Is Not Enough comes from Bond author Ian Fleming. This is the family motto on the Bond crest. It’s referenced in both the novel and film OHMSS.

Drinking game: Take a shot of Belvedere vodka each time the line “There’s no point in living, if you can’t feel alive” is said. Including in the song.

“WTF?!” moment: John Cleese as “R”, Q’s replacement. He seems like too well known of a comedian for the part.

Fun fact: Originally, the pre-title sequence was just the office scene in Bilbao, Spain. After director Michael Apted tested the film, he decided to include the Thames boat scene.

Overall ranking: 18 out of 24 films.

Review synopsis: There’s a lot to like about The World Is Not Enough. It’s one of the few Bonds to be a “thinking man’s action movie.” It has elements of For Your Eyes Only and Skyfall. What weighs it down are scenes with different tones, one major casting error, and being too “late 90s” if that is even a thing yet. I like Pierce Brosnan as James Bond 007, but this movie along with Tomorrow Never Dies and Die Another Day, should be considered The Mediocre Trilogy after such a promising start in Goldeneye.

Image result for the world is not enough

 

 

 

Who Are The Other 00s?

We know who 007 is. We know his missions, his girlfriends, his enemies, we even know a little about his past. Over the years, there have been theories that “James Bond” is just a moniker given to whichever person is the current 007 over at MI6. Of course, we know this can’t be true. Specifically after the films Skyfall and Spectre delved into Bond’s childhood.

So it’s settled. All six Bond actors have been the same man, playing the same role of British secret agent 007. Which got me thinking…where are the other 00s?

001 – As far as we know, there has never been any mention of this agent during any of the 24 official films. In Raymond Benson’s Bond novel, Doubleshot, 001 is mentioned. His name is Edward Donne.

002 – Ah good old Bill Fairbanks! He was shot in Beirut by Francisco Scaramanga, AKA The Man With The Golden Gun. A golden bullet right through the neck. Or at least that’s how Moneypenny says it went down. Bond later finds the bullet, being worn as a “charm” by a belly dancer, and swallows it. We have an idea how Bond got the bullet out of him.

We can also add a 002 to The Living Daylights. All we know about him was that he was eliminated from an MI6 exercise when he parachuted into a tree. He’s too klutzy to be a secret agent. He also looks like he is wearing a Roger Moore – Tom Brady hybrid mask.

Image result for glyn baker

003 – Not much to go on here, other than Bond finds him buried in snow in Siberia during the pre-title sequence of A View To A Kill. Judging from his locket, he appeared to have a family. But since MI6 prefers single, maladjusted young men, who give little thought to sacrificing others in order to protect Queen and country… I’m going to guess the picture came with the locket.

004 – Here we have another casualty of the spy games played in the opening of The Living Daylights. Unlike 002, this agent actually loses his life. 004 is murdered by having his rock climbing rope cut. He is sent plummeting down a cliff to his death in Gibraltar.

005 – Just like 001, he’s nowhere to be seen. Although in the Kingsley Amis 007 novel Colonel Sun, he does get a shoutout.

006 – The most famous (infamous?) MI6 agent not named James Bond. Alec Trevelyan (played by Sean Bean) is the main villain in Goldeneye. He was apparently shot and killed on a mission, but later it’s revealed that he faked his death. In actuality, he’s a Russian who is running a crime syndicate.

Alec Trevelyan.jpg

007 – I don’t know. Some British guy of Scottish/Swiss heritage, who drinks too much, has lots of unprotected sex, gambles all of his government salary, and he might have mommy issues. That’s all I got.

Image result for daniel craig judi dench

008 – This guy is M’s “don’t make me turn this car around” agent. He’s been mentioned in two movies (Goldfinger and The Living Daylights). Both times M has threatened to take Bond off a mission and replace him with 008.

009 – This agent might be the unluckiest of the bunch. In Octopussy, he is not only stabbed in the back, but he has to suffer the humiliation of dying dressed as a clown.

Image result for 009 clown

In the film The World Is Not Enough, it is mentioned that M assigned 009 to kill Renard. He shoots Renard in the head, but for some odd reason Renard lives and gets stronger,  with the bullet slowly killing off his senses. Licence to kind of kill?

In the last Bond flick, Spectre, 007 steals 009’s Aston Martin and takes it to Rome.

 

Image result for 00 agents thunderball

Image result for 00 agents thunderball

In Thunderball and The World Is Not Enough, we get to see a group of MI6 00s. We don’t know names or numbers, but we can guess that James Bond is the best of the bunch. The only question I have is… do you think Bond has sexually harassed that one female MI6 agent? Yeah, probably.

 

 

 

 

Movie Review: THE SPY WHO LOVED ME

After 1974’s The Man With The Golden Gun, film critics and the movie-going public were having their doubts about the James Bond franchise. It seemed stale. As if it had run its course. In the summer of 1977, Roger Moore’s 3rd outing proved the doubters wrong with The Spy Who Loved Me. Not only is it considered Moore’s best 007 adventure, but it’s also in the top tier of the entire Bond series.

TSWLM Notes:

  • The tagline was “biggest, best, Bond and beyond.” It lives up to this billing, although this is basically a retelling of You Only Live Twice, which was also directed by Lewis Gilbert. Replace the YOLT space capsule with submarines and you have TSWLM.
  • Spy gives us perhaps the greatest, most iconic, pre-title sequence. Bond in his bright yellow ski suit (Moore always being flashy) escaping from Russians, skiing off a mountain and opening up his Union Jack parachute. I wasn’t born yet (about 11 months away), but I wish I could have seen this opening in packed theater. I’m sure it was an epic experience.
  • Carly Simon’s “Nobody Does It Better” adds to the list of things that make The Spy Who Loved Me so memorable. This old-fashioned, torch-song, ranks among the very best Bond theme songs ever. Match it will Maurice Binder’s risqué titles and you have a Bond match made in heaven.
  • Barbara Bach’s Russian Agent XXX (they weren’t even trying to subtle anymore!) is supposed to be Bond’s equal, but she doesn’t always live up to his high spy standards. Bach has an interesting beauty that keeps her from being a forgettable Bond girl.
  • This movie, between Bach and Caroline Munro and the busty hotel desk clerk, has the most cleavage in Bond movie history. If you’re looking for that sort of thing.
  • If you are looking for lots of bad 70s fashion, including lots of tan on brown clothing, TSWLM covers that too. Roger Moore’s ties are as big as his Union Jack parachute.
  • Speaking of fashion, always nice to see 007 in his naval uniform. You Only Live Twice and Tomorrow Never Dies are the only other movies, besides this one, were we get to see him be Commander Bond.
  • I would pay good money to see that Egyptian pyramid presentation. Later on, how did MI6 turn the ruins into their office?!
  • The villain Stromberg is just a low-rent Blofeld. Check closely for his webbed hands, which is probably why he doesn’t like shaking hands. He’s also the most comfortable villain in the series. His comfy clothes and cozy furniture, and calm aquarium… minus the shark tank.
  • Jaws is the most iconic Bond henchman, right up there with Oddjob. I do have some questions about him though: What does he do with those teeth? He bites right through objects, but with humans he just nibbles. Also, sometimes he’s very smart, other times he is borderline mentally handicapped.
  • This movie also has the rare mention of James’ dead wife. Moore handles this emotional scene quite well.
  • During the train fight between Bond and Jaws, you can really see the size difference. Roger Moore was a tall man at 6’3, but Richard Kiel at 7’2 is like from another planet. Check out during the brawl, Kiel’s hands are practically the size of Moore’s face.
  • Elon Musk’s favorite car, the Lotus Esprit makes a grand entrance in Italy. Hopefully in the near future, all Tesla vehicles will be able to go underwater too.
  • When Bond’s car rises from the ocean, and Moore rolls down the window to throw out a fish, this might be the most Roger Moorish Bond thing he ever did in seven films. His neighborly nod to the villainous helicopter pilot Naomi is right up there too.
  • The climatic battle between blue uniforms (good guys) and red uniforms (bad guys) inside Stromberg’s submarine swallowing HQ, is another You Only Live Twice-type of scene. Just without the ninja’s and hallowed-out volcano.
  • We get to see Bond diffuse a nuclear bomb like he’s playing the game Operation.
  • No matter how many times I see this movie, I always think the two missles will end up striking each other in the sky.
  • As much as I love the scene of Bond riding the jet-ski, on his way to save Anya (XXX) from Stromberg, I do wonder how long it took him to put it all together?
  • Is Stromberg’s elevator: the best or worst? I feel like many people would have been dropped into that shark tank by accident.
  • Jaws vs that shark is Pay-Per-View fighting at its best. Where was Jaws swimming to at the end?
  • The closing credits, after Bond’s cheeky final line, has one of the oddest musical cues ever. Instead of Carly Simon singing “Nobody Does It Better”, we get what sounds like a gay man’s chorus singing the tune. Which then transitions into Simon’s. Strange!
  • At the very end of the credits we get the classic JAMES BOND WILL RETURN IN… but it reads FOR YOUR EYES ONLY. The movie directly after TSWLM was Moonraker. Why was Bond’s next mission in space? Well, TSWLM opened up two months after Star Wars. Bond producer Cubby Broccoli wanted to strike while the space iron was hot.

Bond’s coolest moment? When he’s at the Mojave Club. Moore is as charming as can be, while also doing some solid spying.

Bond’s most embarrassing moment? The van scene. I love watching James Bond do a Roger Moore comedy bit, but even here he’s pushing it. Just give her the damn keys!

Bond’s best line? When one is in Egypt, one should delve deeply into its treasures.

Best acting performance? I’m going to give this to Moore. He’s so natural this third go-around as the world’s most famous secret agent.

Bond’s most “sexual predator” moment? He starts making out with Fekkesh’s secretary within two minutes of meeting her.

Worst line in the movie? Shaken, but not stirred. – Anya (XXX)

What I noticed for the first time after watching this for the 177th time? When Bond meets Stromberg, he notices a woman’s severed hand in the aquarium. It’s Stromberg’s lady friend that he fed to his sharks in his first scene.

Best action sequence? I love the car chase that leads into the ocean.

Who or what is the title song about? I believe this song is about Bond’s amazing love making skills. Oh and that he’s also very good at his job.

Best looking cinematic moment? That ski jump off a mountain opening, without a doubt.

How could the villain have succeeded? I have major issues with his plan. Destroying the Earth so we can all live underwater doesn’t seem very thought-out. For example, we need air. So I say drop the entire plan and start from scratch.

Which other Bond actor could have starred in this movie? Nobody did this one better. Roger is a perfect 007 in this.

Does Bond ever think he might die? For a second or two, he does think Anya will shoot him at the very end.

What would have made the movie better? A John Barry soundtrack. Nothing against Marvin Hamlisch, but not every track works for a Bond flick.

What’s in a name? Bond goes by the name Robert Sterling. A married marine biologist.

What’s in a title? The Spy Who Loved Me is an Ian Fleming title, although there is 0% of the novel in this movie.

Drinking game: Wait until the 3rd act to drink your Bacardi on the rocks every time a grenade goes off during the battle.

“WTF?!” moment: Jaws taking a bite out of that board of wood for no reason!

Fun fact: Stanley Kubrick helped out designer Ken Adam with the lighting.

Overall ranking: 5th out of the 24 movies.

Review synopsis: The Spy Who Loved Me is a Bond “best of” compilation. This is the quintessential Roger Moore – James Bond movie. It checks off all the boxes: great opening scene, ear-wormy theme song, beautiful women, stunning locations, world-domination plot, a remarkable henchman, and a leading actor hitting his stride in his third Bond movie.